


The Stars Above Hogwarts

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Everybody Lives, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Sex, Jegulus, M/M, Marauders' Era, Wizards, snucius, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-08-27 14:03:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16703836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: [Also on Wattpad under theslytheringoth_]Marauder's era~ When Remus finally plucks up the courage to pursue a relationship with Sirius, he finds himself uncovering some dark secrets. Furthermore, James begins to realise that perhaps he's over his infatuation with Lily, and instead turns his attention to an unlikely candidate- Regulus Black. What secrets will the Marauders find out about Severus Snape, and how will it affect their behaviour towards him? How will the threat of impending war affect them, and how will their relationships develop?[If these aren't your ships then please ignore! No ship hate please!]Warnings- self-harm, child abuse, sexual content, violence, homophobia. Do not read if you will be uncomfortable.





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so I have also posted this on Wattpad, its my first fanfiction, bear with me! I'm trying my best!!!  
> I do not own Harry Potter! Also, there is a homophobic slur in this chapter, just so you're aware. Nothing particularly bad happens just yet in the story, I will warn you when the content gets heavier.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning- some violence, mild homophobia, no actual sex but sexual descriptions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I changed some of my plans hence the removal of the non-con tag- although I will still allude to past abuse, I do not plan on describing it or going into detail.   
> Also just so you're aware, I will be continuing to touch on the mental health of characters.  
> I would also like to point out that at this point, Remus and Sirius are 18 for this fic. And there will NOT be Jegulus smut until Regulus also turns 18- I definitely would not be okay with writing smut with the characters until they are classed as adults- yes they may discuss these things, and yes Regulus is 17 which is an adult in the wizarding world, which is why there may be discussions or mentions of arousal, however I will only write smut when they are legally adults in reality (18)

"Oi, Snivellus," James spat, and the other boy quickened his pace, so James cast a tripping jinx, spilling the other boy's books everywhere.  
"What do y-you want, Potter," Severus stuttered, propping himself up on his palms ready to run.  
"Wondering what you're doing with Evans," James said, a smirk of combined jealousy and cruelty on his face as he twirled his wand in his hand, "being as you think it's okay to run around calling people Mudblood."  
"Just because you're a Mudblood sympathiser and a- a blood traitor doesn't mean you get to judge me!"  
"You're a pathetic Death Eater, Snivellus," James hissed, "and you deserve everything you get! You like using Dark Magic on people, do you? And always following Remus around like a pathetic stalker! I'm warning you, Snivellus, stay the fuck away from me!"  
"You're a bully, James," Severus said darkly, "you're no better than I am!"  
"HOW DARE YOU," Sirius roared, standing over the other boy with his wand pointed viciously towards him. Sirius threw a stinging hex and Severus looked to the other two Marauders. Peter looked sick, whilst Remus looked away as if ashamed, like he couldn't stand to watch what his friends were doing, turning a blind eye. Severus didn't exactly blame him- he was a werewolf, who else would be friends with a dangerous dark creature other than Blood Traitors and bullies?  
James laughed, turning away as Sirius stepped backwards, a dangerous glare on his face. "Come on, boys," James sneered, "let's go." Remus gave Severus a sympathetic look and turned away, whilst Peter looked him up and down and tilted his chin up as if to assert some kind of dominance before running to catch up with the other three.  
"Nice one, Padfoot," James grinned, slinging his arm casually around Sirius's shoulder, and Sirius ruffled James's hair affectionately. "What did you think, Moony? Peter?" James questioned, and Remus stuttered, whilst Peter responded almost immediately and a little too enthusiastically.  
"He got what he deserved," Peter rushed, a strange mixture of uncomfortable and proud, "that was bloody awesome, James!" Peter grinned as James tilted his chin upwards and folded his arms, widening his stance a little, narrowing his eyes as he gave a half-smile to Peter.  
"You think," James questioned with an arrogant glare, waiting for further validation of his actions, and Peter was always more than willing to provide this.  
"Did you see his face," Pater grinned, "you could practically smell his fear! I mean, he's so pathetic, can't handle a little bit of rough!"  
"Moony?" James questioned, tilting his chin up even higher and turning so that he faced him completely, instead resting his hands on his hips, his tongue running over his teeth below his smirk. Which Remus instantly saw as an intimidating stance, an intimidating gesture. It was like James had two sides, he thought. There was the fun James, the James that was fiercely loyal, the James that hated prejudice, the James that would die for his friends, but there was also this James, the arrogant James, the bully, the vindictive one. Sometimes Remus forgot that they were the same person. Although perhaps disconnecting the two sides of James made it easier for Remus to justify being his friend. Well maybe justify wasn't quite right, but it helped him to sleep at night, that's for sure. James loved Remus like a brother, and Remus couldn't figure out if he was a good person or not, just that James would die for him.  
"I could smell his fear," Remus said, which in itself was the truth. Remus would not give any sort of validation for what James had done. It was cruel. And yes, everything he said about Severus was true, but did that give him the right to bully? So Remus would not validate or justify. He merely stated his observation. James lifted his head and his smile broadened, eyes creasing as James instantly took Remus's comment as a validation of his actions. Remus didn't want to correct him, worried that if he was to suddenly stand up to James after all these years, he would be left friendless. And he didn't want to be on the receiving end of James's 'pranks'. Times like this, Remus felt as though James was a bad person.  
However, by the time they were late into the evening, all four Marauders scattered around their dorm, Remus was kicking himself for even letting the thought cross his mind. Because James was soft, he was caring, and he looked at each of his friends with equal adoration. Well. He looked at Remus and Peter with equal adoration, Sirius was like a brother to him. "I just can't, James," Sirius complained, "I have three essays due tomorrow, and I haven't even been to the library and nor do I want to, Moony, before you tell me to go, and I know it's my own fault for putting it off, but I just don't know what to do!" Remus could smell his distress a mile off, strong, full of anxiety and a deep pain- he was struggling to understand where Sirius would have acquired such a deep sadness. Then again, he thought, Remus knew himself that such feelings didn't need to be triggered by anything in particular.  
James instantly climbed off his bed and sat cross-legged in front of Sirius, taking a very exaggerated breath that made Sirius copy almost, and Remus could sense the slight easement of his distress. "Okay, Padfoot," James said gently, taking the papers sprawled across the floor and putting them into a somewhat neat pile, leafing through them one by one, "which essay is the longest?"  
"Potions," Sirius said, and James nodded.  
"So we'll start with that," he said, "I've already done mine and I've got the essay plan I used, so you can use my essay plan to quicken the process. I'll help you. What's the one out of the others you want to do the least?"  
"Arithmancy," Sirius mumbled, and James nodded.  
"We'll do that one second, and the last one?"  
"Muggle Studies."  
"Ah, well I'm sure Remus and Peter can help you with that. So. For now. You only do potions. It is all you have to do. Don't worry about if you'll be finished in two hours or something, focus on what you want done in the next ten minutes. You want to have found all the notes and started the first paragraph." Sirius nodded, and Remus could see the tension slowly leaving as Sirius's posture became less forced and more natural, the knots in his shoulders relaxing into a more natural slouch. Remus could smell the anxiety weakening significantly, and his mood perk up a little, and this is why he was friends with James. Because James was passionate about those he cared about. James had been there for Sirius, for Remus, for Peter. And even though what James was doing to Severus made Remus sick, his reasons were understandable. Severus was a Blood Supremacist, messing around with Dark Magic, and Remus did not trust the boy one bit.  
But Severus had a vulnerability, Remus had sensed, something about his quiet nature that unnerved Remus. It was as though he would lay awake scheming all the ways he could change things, all the ways to get revenge, the next hex he would throw at the Marauders, and Remus was sure it would be something dark. At first, it had been a rivalry between Snape and the Marauders, then it turned into bullying Severus, however around the third or fourth year, Severus had begun to fight back, and Remus noted that it was getting dangerous. Because there was something off about Severus that Remus couldn't pinpoint, something about his potions aptitude, the way he would frantically be scribbling notes, the way he would glance around and hide that book above all. It was the way, when Remus saw him scrawl something in the margin of the book, he had underlined it and glanced across at James, locking his eyes onto him with an unsettling smirk as he confidently wrote something down, and Remus had managed to see what it was when he had left his station to collect ingredients. There, scrawled in the margin by several amendments to the recipes, was a curse- 'sectumsempra- for enemies.' Whatever it was, he clearly planned to use it against James.  
Remus had wondered into the library, spent three days searching the main parts, until he took the cloak and looked in the restricted section, into books that screamed at him and whispered around him as he opened them, and sill he could not find the curse. So he looked for Latin. Sectum, which he found to be cut, and Sempra, meaning forever. That is, if his translations were correct. Cut forever. Remus knew that James and Sirius especially had been pushing him to breaking point, but Severus never missed an opportunity to hex them back to the point it was like a mutual bullying, but this curse? It unsettled Remus. It sounded darker than most of what he had come across in the books, like it should be an unforgiveable- Remus figured out that it was his own invention. Severus had created a spell that sounded so dark, so unforgiveable- Remus had felt the rise of bile and choked out the contents of his stomach onto the floor of the restricted section.  
The curse was well-known around Hogwarts, when a Muggleborn Hufflepuff had been found bleeding in the Divination classroom. Remus knew that it wasn't Severus that had cast it, having seen his reaction, seeing the boy pale as the announcement of the death was made. It was something the professors had not seen, but they were able to ascertain the name of the spell- or at least the investigative Aurors had. Remus had seen him pause at the page of the curse, nervously tapping his quill and shaking, vanishing it several times, changing his mind, as though he might need it, and Remus could see that Severus was not an evil person. Remus had asked his father about it, and his father had asked around in the Ministry- nobody had heard of the spell, and nobody knew its origin- until Remus had overheard a conversation between Severus and Regulus.  
"...your spell!"  
"I didn't think it would- I mean- yes, okay, I intended to use it, on Potter and Black and Pettigrew and Lupin, but I didn't realise it would be that bad! Somebody died! I don't want that! If I ever use it again, it'll be in the war!"  
"You don't get to take the high ground, Severus! Somebody used a spell you created and it killed them!"  
"I know, a Mudblood died, I just- I made the spell when I was angry, do you have any idea what it is like to- to be scared to walk around the corner because you know they're waiting?"  
"Yes! My brother is considered a blood traitor!"  
"And a faggot." A sharp slap was heard.  
"Shut the fuck up, Severus. I've seen your counter curses, when you can reach your wand in time. Like my brother using the Bat Bogey Hex, so you use Serpensortia, then throw a Bombarda at the wall next to him? Being bullied doesn't make you a good person, Severus."  
"We are good people!"  
"You think the mark we have on our arms is a good thing? You think this is right? Would Andrew's death of meant more if he hadn't been a Muggleborn and he was a pureblood? It's about time you chose which side you're really on, and it had better not be his side. And don't you give me that look, Severus! You go around calling people Mudblood, your best friend is a Muggleborn! What does that tell you? That one of the most gifted witches is a Muggleborn? A nice person? It shows we were wrong about them! Maybe mixing bloodlines doesn't make you any less worthy as a person! Maybe both are as bad as each other! Yes, we're gifted, but that doesn't make us better! And even if it did, does that mean they deserve to die? No! You should consider joining the Order."  
"The what?"  
"I won't tell you because I don't trust you! I'm not joining, but only because I know Sirius will. Because yes he's a bully, a selfish jerk, but he's a good person inside. Can you say that about yourself?"  
"Can you?"  
"No," Regulus said loudly, "because I've spent years believing the poison my family have been dripping! I've stood by whilst I've heard my brother screaming in agony, begging for his father to stop- something, I don't know what, something so bad Lucius Malfoy took him away from home, something so bad he's protecting me! I've watched Muggleborns being tortured and until recently, I've stood by! And I make myself sick!"  
"And you think I don't feel the same? I want pure bloodlines, I don't believe Mudbloods are as good as Purebloods, shouldn't be treated the same, but you think I believe it's right to kill them? Of course I don't! Just know this. I have no intentions of being a loyal servant to the Dark Lord. Go tell him if you want! I have to do what's right!"  
"I believe it doesn't matter if you're Pureblood, Half-blood, Muggleborn, Squib or Muggle. We all bleed the same in the end. Me and Malfoy aren't loyal either, neither is Narcissa. They're doing that- they're- they think they have to in order to survive, like cowards. They're biding their time. I don't want to wait. I want to figure out what he's up to before it's too late."  
"You're just a kid, Regulus. You can't help."  
"And I suppose you're all grown up because you're in your final year? Age doesn't matter in things like this. We have to fight now. Which side are you on, Severus? Genocidal maniac or your so-called Blood Traitors?"  
"The right side, Regulus, I'm on the right side. I will never mention this again unless I have to because I fear if the Dark Lord was to find out- I don't want to think about that. We can't talk again, Regulus. About this. But I'll do whatever I can to fight him."  
"Perhaps you're a descent person after all, Severus."  
"Or maybe it's not as simple as light or dark." Remus walked away at that point as he heard Regulus turn on his heels. He could sense that they were both genuine. Severus wasn't a good person. But he wasn't evil. He was a victim in the mess of the Wizarding World too. Perhaps, Remus thought to himself, you didn't have to be a good person to do the right thing.  
Remus brought himself back into the present, but he couldn't snap his thought away from Severus, from James, from how both boys had both light and dark and how both justified their wrongs. But Severus was always itching to out Remus as a werewolf. Not allowed to do it directly, he was dropping cryptic hints. Remus didn't blame him for having something against him- he was friends with Severus's bullies, and he stood by and let it happen, but that didn't give him the right to do what he was doing. The most intimate secret revealed about Snape was that he didn't wash his underwear, whereas this? Lycanthropy? Being attacked as a child and infected, being sick all the time... it wasn't right, Remus thought. It was too personal. He didn't deserve to be bullied. But he didn't deserve to be put on a pedestal either. He deserved to be called out for his prejudice, Remus decided, and that was it.  
He dragged his focus back onto the dorm, Peter relaxed on his stomach flicking through Quidditch Weekly (for some reason) with a packet of marshmallows, and James was organising all of Sirius's notes whilst he worked on an essay. Remus leaned back against his headboard, and couldn't help the small smile that pushed itself onto his lips at the sight of a serious Sirius.  
His brow was furrowed slightly, creating slight creases in his forehead and made his grey eyes look even stormier than usual, framed by thick black lashes and a smidgen of eyeliner. Sirius's eyes were practically Silver, Remus thought, framed perfectly by his aristocratic cheekbones. His nose wasn't harsh bumps like most boys, but it wasn't soft and feminine either. Remus's attention was brought back to the cheekbones as Sirius shifted, the light from the window falling onto them, accentuating the silver-tinged highlighter he wore. Remus's eyes darted back up to his eyes, where there was a red and gold gradient beneath his perfectly sculpted brows. Sirius's face was contoured too, and his lips had a faint rouge tinge to them- not red, but stained with a faint reddish gloss. And when Sirius smiled, his eyes crinkled and his cheekbones lifted and his whole face lit up, those stormy grey eyes lighting platinum as the light caught them. And his hair- who could forget his hair? Even now, tousled from yesterday's quidditch- they'd pulled an all-nighter somehow- his raven hair fell elegantly to his shoulders, bouncing as he laughed but not exactly thick and bushy, just wavy and shiny. With, of course, a fair amount of glitter from James's shower gel prank. It looked like the night's sky, Remus mused. Then Sirius brushed a strand of air behind his ear- and although some of it fell back on his face, Remus imagined his own hand ghosting the same path of Sirius's hands, but rather than dropping back onto parchment, Remus's hand would come to rest on his cheek. Sirius's jawline itself was a work of art, as though sculpted by Michelangelo himself. Remus cringed at his cliché description.  
Remus's gaze settled lower, to the bob of his Adam's apple as a low hum of concentration and boredom filled the room, the deep vibrations commanding all of Remus's hair to stand to attention. There was the dip of his throat, the elegant curve of his collarbones- of course, Sirius being Sirius was casually doing homework in just his underwear, so Remus could see almost every inch of skin he had. His collarbones were well-defined, but formed a frame for the muscular pectorals that stood out against his smooth chest, Remus's attention drawing to the dark pink buds, his mind imagining how it would feel to flick his tongue across one and nibble ever-so-gently... then there was his biceps, his muscular shoulders, his toned forearms, his chunky hands callused but soft-looking- then his abs. His perfectly sculpted abdomen, each muscle twitching as he laughed, and Remus swallowed hard, his mouth dry as he wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers. Remus followed the black hair he imagined himself burying his face in from Sirius's navel down to the well-defined v of his hips, imagining what was beneath such a thin layer of cotton fabric... Remus closed his eyes for a second, to remind himself of where he was, then opened them and focused again on his muscular torso. Muscular from Quidditch, of course. His skin wasn't flawless, wasn't one milky tone, in fact he had a few faint scars, his skin in some places was mottled in the cold sometimes, and his skin had small moles, the odd freckle, and it looked ready to lick... then there were his legs. Sirius had the best thunder thighs Remus had ever seen, bulky muscles, and Remus imagined what it would be like to have them wrapped around his torso as Remus took him, and Remus imagined looking into his dilated pupils, watching Sirius unashamedly moaning beneath him. Remus knew his moans from overhearing the boy pleasuring himself, moaning Remus's name again and again, a breathy whine escaping as he rode out orgasms. Remus could hear through silencing charms, and at first he had been disgusted by his ability- and he still was- however after hearing his name that first time, Remus had become hooked on the sound of Sirius's moans, hoping that he could one day fulfil his fantasies for him.  
Sirius's body was soft to look at, appealing, but it was by no means feminine. He had black hair on his arms and his legs and his belly, his fingers and toes were callused, his Adam's apple and his deep voice, the slight stubble from where he'd gone a few days without shaving, the coarse hair in front of his ears, short but indicating his masculinity, his eyebrows thicker than a girl's- the fact that he took pride in his appearance, the fact that he had a skincare regime and the softest hair- didn't make him feminine at all. Only Sirius Black, Remus mused, could raid the make-up bag of Lily Evans and somehow look even more masculine. Remus bit his lip at the thought. And then, of course, as he stuck his tongue out, was his tongue stud. A gold ball sitting in the middle, just waiting for another tongue to feel it. Remus wondered why he had not stuck with the silver stud- unless he was planning on kissing a werewolf any time soon, the silver was the better choice. And then, of course, there was the tattoo. The tattoo on his ribs, for some reason, of a bar of chocolate. How stupid. But how very Padfoot. Sirius had whined for months about needing a tattoo, needing to be punk rock, then went and had a chocolate bar tattooed on his side. Whatever that reason was, Remus didn't think he'd ever know.  
But Remus knew why. Sirius was in love with him. He could hear his heartbeat as clear as day whenever their eyes met, whenever they were close under the invisibility cloak. He knew. Remus just wanted to feel more secure in himself first, to teach himself to trust, waiting for the day he'd be ready to show the pining Animagus just how much Remus loved him too.  
"FINISHED!" Sirius yelled at the top of his lungs, snapping Remus out of his thoughts (although as Sirius stretched, Remus figured it was practically impossible or illegal- or both- not to glance at the way the muscles stretched), and Remus looked quickly at Peter, who was somehow asleep with his head hanging off the foot of his bed. Remus figured he'd have quite the headache when he woke up. Remus looked back to Sirius, who had a tired, lopsided grin, his eyes fixed on Remus. "Not slept either, Lupin," he grinned, "even though we know for a fact you'll fall asleep at breakfast and end up with a rasher of bacon on your face. Wait, you're vegetarian. A slice of toast stuck to your face then."  
"Vegan," Remus corrected with a slight smile- he couldn't keep a serious face with Sirius- "and in your dreams, Padfoot."  
"If you fall asleep, you owe me ten galleons."  
"Then I'll be ten galleons richer," Remus yawned, causing a collective yawn from James and Sirius.  
Sirius walked out of breakfast ten galleons richer.  
********************************************************************************************  
"MOONY!" James yelled, but the sleepy little werewolf didn't move. Sirius smiled affectionately, a smile easily mistaken for mischief, but the smile wasn't just affectionate. Sirius had a plan as he gently prised Remus's quill from his slender fingers, giggling to himself. He gently traced the curve of his cheekbones down to his nose, tickling, causing the sleeping werewolf to sneeze. Sirius traced the feather down to his lips, his chapped, pink-tinged lips, over-bitten and so very kissable, down his chin and over his Adam's apple, then brought the feather over his eyelids, making them flutter. Sirius was oblivious to the giggles of the other two boys- this was the closest Sirius could come to touching Remus's face. Sirius gently traced over the three white scars on his jaw and down his neck, then traced over the pinkish- red scar that crossed his nose in an almost straight line, apart from the way it curved elegantly around his nose and the way it dipped then curled up at either end. Sirius tickled under the werewolf's sensitive nose and a violent sneeze made the werewolf almost leap out of his seat, his honey-amber eyes glaring intently at Sirius, who couldn't contain his grin.  
"Hello, sleepy werewolf," he said smoothly, and Remus rolled his eyes, laying his head back on the desk. So Sirius tried a different approach. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle,"  
"Fuck off, Pads,"  
"the WEREWOLF SLEEPS TONIGHT!"  
"I said FUCK OFF!" Remus let out a very annoyed noise, his amber eyes boring into Sirius's, but Sirius just grinned, summoned a trumpet from his wand, and tooted it down Remus's ear, giggling uncontrollably as Remus sighed with a deadpan but certainly annoyed expression. Remus's eyes were like amber rocks, embedded with flecks of honey and gold, with the occasional green spot every now or then that Sirius couldn't peel his eyes off. Remus's eyelashes were thick and dark, and despite the dark circles beneath them, Remus's amber eyes always looked ablaze with passion. Remus's scars, Sirius thought, were beautiful, even if Remus hated them, and Sirius liked the moments like this when he forgot they existed. The tawny hair on his head was currently sticking up in all directions, rivalling the messiness of even James's hair. Remus's features were soft, his cheeks almost always tinged with the faintest pink. And there was the way that the tip of his nose and tips of his ears turned pink in the cold too, which sparked something warm inside Sirius.  
But there was also the rest of Remus, currently covered by his robes, but Sirius knew the exact position of every last scar on Remus's body. He had a rather large, stretched out bite on his left shoulder, as well as four rough white scars tracing down to his hip. He had several others, but these were the most prominent ones, the ones that had the tightest skin around them, because they were the oldest. Sirius liked the way that the scars would flex with his muscles, the way the tall, seemingly scrawny boy was actually amply muscular, and Sirius imagined that with muscles like his, Remus would easily be able to lift somebody roughly Sirius's size. Sirius imagined what his skin would feel like under his fingers, whether the scars would be rough or soft to touch, whether Remus would shiver if he were to ghost his fingers over his spine, over his muscles, if Sirius was to rub one of his rather very pink nipples under his palm, moving his hand down and down his battle-scarred torso, or his hands tracing up Remus's thighs, Remus shivering with lust. Sirius imagined how his eyes would look lust-filled, looming over him, Remus's chapped lips against Sirius's throat.  
Sirius wanted to see the werewolf riled up, because it excited him. As much as he liked to see the werewolf in all his innocence, he wanted to see the werewolf spreading his legs and stroking himself, and he wanted the werewolf to grind his hips down on Sirius's, biting down on Sirius's flesh and catching it between his teeth, he wanted to hear whatever noises the werewolf would make, which Sirius imagined would be low, throaty growls, he wanted Remus to hum against his Adam's Apple before kissing down, further down... he wanted to see the werewolf's lips parted and hear his breath coming in fast, uneven pants, and he wanted to see the werewolf's cheeks flushed with arousal before he touched Sirius, he wanted Remus to feel what he felt. He wanted Remus to know the effect he had on him, because Remus was gorgeous, but he didn't see why anybody would ever fancy him. But how could he not fancy him, Sirius mused, because Remus was sexy, and he deserved to be shown just how much he could turn Sirius on, he deserved to know exactly how beautiful he was.  
Sirius forced himself to think about other things, aware that if he was to spend any more time thinking about this issue, then he would have a very visible problem. So Sirius thought of the one thing that made him shiver- Marlene McKinnon's boobs. It had been almost comical, when the girl flashed her breasts that fateful night when another girl had commented on the length of her skirt and crop top. So Marlene lifted her top up for all to see. And that was when Sirius realised he was one-hundred percent gay, not even remotely bisexual. Because he was repulsed by the bulbous fleshy growths on her chest- there was just something about the female body that did not seem right- even the shape of her nipples seemed wrong to Sirius, and whilst the other boys in the hall were all reacting in a less-than-respectful manor, Sirius was glad when she finally pulled her top back down and covered the strange lumps on her chest. Thoroughly repulsed, Sirius turned his attention to the angry glare of Remus Lupin, although he could already hear his own pulse pounding in his ears, feel it pulsing in his chest. He licked his lips and Remus raised an eyebrow, and Sirius erupted into another fit of giggles, tooting the trumpet one more time, only to have Remus grab it from him and lightly hit him with it on the arm.  
"I'll shove it somewhere painful next time, Padfoot," he warned, and Sirius laughed loudly before they were kicked out of the library. Remus stretched as they walked out, yawning a few times, which Sirius naturally found adorable. How could he not? Remus was a precious little cinnamon roll, in his opinion. Sirius had noticed, however, especially now his Remus obsession had moved on from being purely lustful and was becoming meaningful, that Remus was uncomfortable with the way he treated Snivellus. Part of Sirius didn't care what Remus thought, because Snivellus was a nasty little Blood Supremacist, who liked to act as though he had the moral high ground, like he was so much better than everybody else- Sirius couldn't stand him. But Remus was a good judge of character. And Sirius was slowly realising that perhaps it wasn't up to the Marauders to dole out justice- because it wasn't. So Sirius had been trying to step back from that, but Snivellus would always say one thing to take it too far and Sirius would find coloured light escaping the tip of his wand before he had even processed what he was doing.  
And Sirius had been forcing himself to think about what he was doing. He'd noticed the wobble that had developed and grew in Snivellus's voice, the way that his tone would waver and he would stutter every other word. Sirius noticed the slight tremble of his hands whenever he picked up his quill, and the way he'd cross his arms tightly across his chest. And it hurt Sirius inside to realise that he had caused that, had played a part in that. Because no matter how mush worse Severus was, Sirius was a bully. And he hated who he was. He no longer felt proud after a well-placed hex, but he felt ashamed of himself. Guilty. He'd never like Snape, at all, but he was realising that he didn't have the right to be as cruel as that. So although part of his decision to start backing off was driven by his love for Remus, it was mainly because he was realising just how wrong he was. He had been a bully, and that was hard for him to accept, but he had accepted it, and it buried itself deep in his bottomless pit of things to be guilty about, right alongside the prank. He was having a hard time accepting that, however. That he had almost hurt Remus, that he had caused him so much pain... but Remus was the kind of person that saw deeper. He saw that Sirius wasn't well. Because Sirius wasn't well. His moods were here, there and everywhere, and the only way anybody who knew his moods could describe them was unstable. He could be on the verge of tears when a sudden wave of warm tingly euphoria would hit and he'd start laughing uncontrollably. Or he'd be happy and joking and a sudden sinking feeling of dread would weave its was from his chest to the pit of his stomach and nest deep within his veins, and dark, intrusive thoughts would demand attention, pushing through. It was like hearing voices without hearing voices. Because he couldn't control the dark thoughts. They were his, but he couldn't control them. And sometimes, when he went to the Astronomy tower for a cigarette, he'd find himself drawn to the edge, an overwhelming urge to jump, somewhere between a curiosity and a calling. He didn't really have suicidal thoughts as such, but he knew that when he died, he'd die smiling because finally he could rest. Then again, he mused, the Hogwarts ghosts were proof that you couldn't. He just wanted to sleep, rest, because he was exhausted and so very out of control.  
Later in the day he found himself in the dorms, in one of his good moods when a low one hit- but this was a wave of panic, and suddenly his heart was straining against the top of his chest, his ribs tightening somehow, and he felt like he was going to die, but memories flashed, painful memories. He looked to Remus, who seemed very alarmed and distressed- sometimes Sirius wondered if the boy had werewolf senses of some kind, because even though he couldn't breathe, he wasn't giving away any indication of his panic or his pain- he kept a straight face, or at least, he thought he did, and the panic and memories overwhelmed- he wanted to run, but instead slowly walked into the bathroom where he could let out ragged, panting breaths, pulling off his jumper and undoing his tie and top buttons, because the panic- the panic was rooting deeper and it wouldn't stop, and suddenly everything was too much. He cast a silencing spell and let out loud, frightened sobs, sinking to his knees on the floor and pressing his palms hard against his thighs, then gripping and twisting at the flesh through the fabric of his trousers, then smacked himself round the head and pulled at his hair until a small clump came out in his hand, then scratched at his left forearm until there were red blotches before screaming, resigning himself to loud, ugly sobs, nauseated by the amount of adrenaline coursing through his veins, shaking. That's when he saw it, in the bin, an old razor. He took a deep breath- how could he be considering this?  
It was wrong, he knew it was wrong, he knew it wouldn't help, but he was so twisted with self hatred and irrational thoughts- he hadn't because somebody would see and somebody would worry. He violently grabbed it and snapped the blade out, breathing heavily at the thought of what he was about to do, and pressed it to his forearm. He applied pressure but it didn't cut, so he lifted it and angled, then drew it along his skin, watching as the skin on top parted, like a paper cut, it felt. He squeezed the opening until he saw tiny beads of red, then wiped them with his fingertip across his flesh, squeezing more blood out and watching it pool before smearing it again. He made a few more papercuts across his forearm, although the flesh was getting more sensitive, more painful with each one, so he stopped about midway down, admiring the roughly centimetre apart openings. About two of them had small trickles, tickling the underside of his arm a little, so he wiped the blood and pressed some toilet tissue to the cuts until the blood didn't pool, finally pulling down his white shirt sleeve. His heart was pounding still, but his breathing, his mind, felt calm, empty, relieved, he wasn't sure. It was either better or worse or both. He didn't know if he never wanted to do it again or if he wanted to do it to cope. He didn't know whether he felt anything, all he knew was that it was an outlet. And he needed an outlet.  
He stayed in the bathroom for a while, until he no longer looked like he'd been crying, and James grinned at him.  
"Bloody hell, Padfoot, you've been in there a while. Wanking, were we?"  
"Um- yeah," Sirius blushed, and Remus gave him a strange and worried glare.  
"Told you he wasn't crying, Moony. No need to worry." Sirius gave a lopsided smile to Remus, who glared, his eyes purposefully wondering down to where Sirius had marred his skin, before he locked eyes with Sirius once more. How did he know, Sirius thought, and another wave of panic hit him.  
"James, I need- I need to talk to you!" He went back into the bathroom and James immediately followed, casting a silencing spell.  
"Sirius are you okay?" Sirius shook his head and rolled his sleeve up, but James didn't say anything, in fact if Sirius had to describe him, he was like a deer in headlights, like he had no idea what to do, until finally, he said one word.  
"Shit."  
Sirius nodded, as if in agreement or acknowledgement, pulling his sleeve back down slowly. The wounds were stinging and throbbing a little, and Sirius didn't know what to think. A part of him felt somewhat grounded by them, soothed even, but another part of him felt reminded of his stupidity, that he had made them for a reason, and that only made him think about his past even more. James suddenly pulled him into a rough hug, gripping him as tightly as he could. "I'm so sorry," James whispered, his voice wavering, and when he finally released Sirius from the hug, he reached his fingers beneath his glasses to wipe away his tears.  
"I'm sorry too," Sirius whispered in reply, and James shook his head.  
"Sirius," he said gently, "none of this is your fault."  
"I chose to do it. James, I... I feel so- I don't know!"  
"Oh, Sirius... it's okay, mate. Just... don't hurt yourself, okay, it won't help you." Sirius sighed, not knowing what else to say, but James sat down on the bathroom floor, patting the ground besides him. Sirius sat besides him and James took Sirius's hands, so they just sat there and it was enough until Peter knocked on the door.


	2. Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not much happens. Small amount of Jegulus, Sirius talks about his sexuality, Remus observes some stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If youre reading this I'm very surprised you decided the first chapter wasn't trash!

Remus hated the way that Sirius was treated at school. Not that Sirius even noticed how he was treated, of course, because nobody would dare touch a Marauder. But Remus noticed everything. Remus noticed the looks at break. Remus noticed the way that the other boys would look him up and down in a predatory manner, like Sirius was fresh meat to indulge on, and Remus couldn't help it when he felt a pang of envy, wondering if any of these boys would have the privilege of touching Sirius first, before Remus could, if they already had. He noticed the way, however, that the majority of boys would look at him with a sneer, their eyes lingering and judging, looking at him as though he was something rather unpleasant. But they daren't to say anything to his face, Remus noticed, although he could hear the words uttered under their breaths, the sheer hatred that laced each word, the ignorance. The ones who were so arrogant as to assume that Sirius would instantly be attracted to them purely because they were male, even though any logical human would know that attraction is selective. And, Remus thought, even if Sirius was attracted to anybody, Sirius would never cross any boundaries, as Remus knew, because Sirius was desperately in love with Remus but hadn't once let on.   
Remus was closeted for a reason. Because he could see the way that they reacted to Sirius, and he could hear the slurs uttered in the corridors, in the other dorms of Gryffindor Tower, and he hated to imagine how bad things would be if Sirius wasn't a Marauder. How bad things would be if Sirius wasn't protected by Dumbledore. How bad things would be if people didn't understand that the impending war was so much more important than the sexuality of the estranged Black heir. Remus couldn't bear the hate that Sirius received, so Remus decided that it would be better for him to stay closeted, maybe even safer. Because although Remus was a Marauder, people knew from experience that Sirius was quick with his wand, but people knew that Remus was the boy who threw up in transfiguration in second year when one poor Ravenclaw's transfiguration backfired. They knew that he was the boy that valued everything, the boy that cried whenever a first year was hit by a stray curse, and they would easily underestimate him. Remus was certainly a very gifted and bright wizard, but he was a pacifist. He hated violence, had never been in a real duel outside of the classroom, so he wouldn't stand a chance should somebody set upon him. And it merely wasn't safe for Remus to be open about who he was.  
Sirius's sexuality was common knowledge, but it had become a weapon. It was used as an excuse for prefects to take away too many points, people making wild accusations- but of course, a little veritaserum always proved that Sirius certainly did not touch anybody's first year brother in the Quidditch changing rooms, nor did he take inappropriate pictures under the toilet stalls. It sickened Remus that anybody would lie about something so serious happening merely because they didn't like somebody's sexuality. Then there were the girls who tried to 'turn' him, grabbing his arm in the corridor and forcing their lips onto his despite his protests, asking him to help them to reach a book in the library and hiking up their tops or skirts, the ones who would constantly tell him that maybe he just hadn't kissed the right one yet. The ones who asked Sirius what turned him gay before groping him. If Sirius had grabbed a girl's arse, it would be classed sexual harassment, but when they did it to Sirius it was considered 'playful' or 'flirting'.   
Today was no exception, as they walked to lunch together and one of the Hufflepuff girls bounded over to Sirius and instantly put her palm over his crotch. Sirius pushed her hand away, and Remus could sense his panic as clear as day, but she merely replaced her hand and grinned. "My you're big aren't you? Why don't you show me what you're made of, eh, I reckon you'd be out of this silly little phase soon enough once you've had some of this," she said smoothly, pushing her chest onto his, and Sirius shoved her so hard she fell, running down the corridor. He left a clear trail of fear, so Remus followed and found him sitting in an alcove on the fifth floor, so Remus carefully sad beside him.   
"Sirius?"  
"Who the fuck gave her permission to grope me like that? I pushed her hand away! And I get that girls have it far worse than I do, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen to boys too does it? And Peter, Peter's useless, he just tells me that he's jealous of me, that he should say he's gay so girls touch him. As if anybody would really do that. Who on Earth would pretend to be LGBT? Because I've read about stuff in the Muggle world, people being beaten up, murdered violently, and Muggles don't have a killing curse to do that, they kick and punch somebody so much that they die, Remus! They set people on fire! And yeah, it's legal now, they won't get arrested for it, but they're being fired from jobs and discriminated against for being different. Remus, people look at me in the showers as if I'm going to jump them, they keep looking at my crotch to check if I've got a boner, and I just know, Remus, that one day I'm gonna get hurt for who I am. I don't feel safe. I know that if I was to... take a walk to Hagrid's hut alone, then somebody would be waiting to hex me."  
"It's not all bad," Remus said gently, shuffling closer, "I mean, what about that second year Slytherin that came up to you because she's a girl? But was assigned male at birth? She trusted you because you're open about your sexuality so she opened up about her gender to you. And the fourth year Gryffindor boy who told you he thinks he's bisexual and asked you for advice for telling his best friend. It's not all bad, Siri."  
"Maybe," Sirius huffed, still not looking at Remus, "but Remus, honestly I'm scared for both people. Because they have nobody to protect them if they come out. There's such a pressure to come out of the closet but there shouldn't be. Gender and sexuality is private, and sometimes its safer to stay in the closet. I wish I had. I mean, I knew people didn't exactly... I knew people would be less than welcoming, I mean I grew up around homophobia so I knew that, but I... thought that once I was out, I'd be able to fight back when people said stuff but honestly, I wish I was back in the closet. Because maybe I'm not being spat on or beat up yet, but that doesn't mean I have it easy. And also, I hate that people assume that I just have a lot of sex with a lot of boys just because I'm gay. That I mustn't want a family otherwise I'd be straight, as if it's somehow a choice. I do want a family. I want a husband, and I want to adopt with him. I want to settle down with him and I want to... to move into a house with him and wake up to him and only him for the rest of my life. I want to write songs for him and hold his hand freely. People just make these stupid assumptions that they pulled outta their asses. And I get it, some people think these things because they're not told otherwise, but rather than actually asking me respectfully what it's like to be gay, they just spit out these assumptions. When I say I would never have chosen this, they just ask why I chose it. Like- I didn't. You know that, right? That I didn't just decide to sleep with guys, that I'm physically attracted to men and I can't change that."  
"Of course I understand," Remus said quietly, "it's not that difficult a concept to understand. People are just ignorant. One day it will be better, Sirius, I promise you. I mean- surely in the next ten years people will realise they're wrong, right? I mean it might take some time, but it will be better one day."  
"You know there are gay animals? But animals don't get beat up for it. Animals don't get questioned about it. When a heterosexual animal couple die, the gay ones just like- adopt the kid as their own. Yet for humans? Muggles and Wizards? People wouldn't let us adopt. Would say we'd turn the kids gay. Well nothing turned me gay I just am. My parents are heterosexual, they didn't turn me straight. Ugh, sorry, Remus, I'm just ranting and I'm sure you don't care for this."  
"It's fine, Pads," Remus said gently, "you're angry. Because the world isn't fair is it? But no matter what, you'll always have us. We support you. I know at first James had a lot of questions, but he accepted you right away. And Peter... well, he doesn't talk about it so who the hell knows what he's feeling?"  
"Salazar knows," Sirius shrugged with a slight smile.  
"And I understand more than you think I do, Padfoot," Remus almost whispered, "and I support you. I'll always be here." Remus listened to the way Sirius's heart started to beat that little bit faster as Remus touched his hand to his shoulder, the way that Sirius licked his lips quickly because his mouth was dry. "Come on, Pads," Remus said finally, "let's go to lunch, yeah?" Sirius nodded, and Remus had noticed that his fear hadn't completely diminished. Remus rested his hand lightly in between Sirius's shoulder blades and walked with him to lunch, looking across the Gryffindor table to see James waving very enthusiastically towards them. Sirius immediately broke into a massive grin and ran full pelt at James, almost knocking the other boy off his seat as he wrapped his arms tightly around the other boy. It was no wonder people didn't think that James and Sirius were dating, given how close they were, but everybody knew that James and Sirius were practically brothers. They finally sat down, and Remus instantly noticed James's eyes were transfixed onto the Slytherin table. Sirius looked over too, towards Severus, but Remus noticed that James's gaze was settled onto the younger Black brother. And there it was. James's heartbeat, once Remus found it out of the cacophony of heartbeats, speeding up, getting louder.   
Another thing Remus had noticed, over the past couple of years, was that his heart no longer jumped quite the way it used to around Evans. In fact, Remus had noticed, it didn't beat any harder for her anymore than it did anyone else. He had fancied her, and he had loved her, but now his attempts to charm her were becoming more and more pathetic, half-hearted, as if out of obligation. He had loved her. He had liked her. He had been attracted to her. But now he wasn't. And Remus had finally noticed, finally noticed that he'd started to have feelings for Regulus Black. Regulus and Sirius were unmistakably brothers, Remus mused, with the same hair and eyes, but they were very different. Of course, Regulus could be considered handsome too, but not in the same way as Sirius was. So it wasn't that surprising that James would find him attractive. James was staring intently at Regulus, not once prying his eyes away from the boy for a whole ten minutes, and Remus could smell nerves. Clearly James was only just allowing himself to explore this side to him, to explore his sexuality. There was no denying that James liked girls- but here he was, clearly attracted to a boy. Remus wondered if James had figured out his bisexuality yet or not. Remus watched the way that James's eyes slowly moved around Regulus's face, as if taking in each feature and deciding whether they were attractive to him, whether he felt like kissing him when James's eyes rested upon Regulus's lips. When James finally looked away and ate, Peter finally spoke, breaking the unusual silence between the four.  
"So Remus," he asked in a rather very nonchalant manner, "got a girlfriend?"   
"Oh, er," Remus said, caught by surprise, "um no." Remus wasn't really sure what his sexuality was, in all honesty. Because he certainly had an aesthetic appreciation for women, but he'd never really thought about forming a romantic bond with them, and he certainly wasn't sexually attracted to women. But then again he hadn't been sexually attracted to men either. That was, until he formed a close bond with Sirius, and then suddenly, as the bond became more intimate, Remus began to feel it, the sexual attraction towards him, the romantic desires. Most people usually already felt sexual attraction to somebody, and Remus found it rather peculiar that he did not fancy Sirius until they became close. It wasn't really a preference of Remus's, it was just how it happened for him. But Sirius had always felt the attraction to Remus, and never to anyone else, even before they formed a bond. There had to be words for what they were, Remus thought, because it was unusual to feel in such a way. Whilst other boys were experiencing different kinds of attraction to different people, Remus and Sirius only seemed to have formed attractions to each other, and both in ways so differently to the others.  
"Still chasing after Evans are we, James," Peter grinned, and James looked up, and Remus could sense a familiar fear- it was the same fear that Sirius had all the times where he was thinking about coming out of the closet, so James most certainly had figured out his sexuality. However, James put on a cool grin, straightening his glasses and running a hand through his bird's nest of a hairstyle.  
"Eh, Evans," he said loudly- he didn't have to shout because Lily, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas were sat closer than usual. Lily rolled her eyes and turned back to the girls, whilst James casually shrugged.  
"Ah, mate," Peter grinned, clapping him on the back, "she'll give up someday if you keep on at her like that. Reckon she'll give up soon, just to get you to shut up. Reckon you'll at least get a pity fuck if you get on your knees and beg." Remus resisted the urge to scoff at his comment, but Remus was quite used to Peter's silly comments by now.   
"And I'm still single," Sirius announced, to which Peter didn't reply. That's when it clicked with Remus. Peter never asked Sirius if he had a boyfriend, and whenever Sirius announced he hadn't, Peter would never ask if he had a crush or anything. Peter was uncomfortable, Remus realised, and suddenly it made sense. A few weeks after Sirius came out, Peter started closing his bed curtains to get changed, saying it was because he was self-conscious about his fat, but Remus knew that Peter was never insecure about his body- because Remus could smell insecurity, and Peter had always made a point of saying that he didn't care if he was on the heavier end of the scales or not. It suddenly all made sense. Peter had a problem with Sirius being gay.  
"Single maybe, but have you fucked a guy yet," James asked mischievously, and Sirius snorted.  
"I wish," he replied, "but it seems fate had me falling for a straight guy and to be quite honest I don't really fancy anyone else, so looks like I ain't gonna be getting my leg over any day soon." Remus could tell this was the truth- he could smell lies, and it gave him so much hope, but he couldn't help but noticing the stench of disgust coming from Peter.  
"Ooh, unlucky mate," James sympathised, "I can't get a shag either. You sure he's straight?"  
"To be honest," Sirius grinned, completely avoiding looking at Remus, "I don't think he fancies anything. I mean he literally never looks at a guy or girl. Like I wouldn't say he's gay or straight, I think he has about as much sexuality as a potato," he joked, holding up a potato for effect impaled on the end of his fork. "Although actually, I'm pretty sure this potato fancies me. I mean it's begging me to eat it out," Sirius said, and nobody wanted to see Sirius imitating eating out a potato- again- so James grabbed it out of his hand and Sirius rolled his eyes. "Spoilsport."  
"Yeah, well, you're not allowed near cucumbers either. Remember when we caught you practicing how to deep-throat for future reference? Poor cucumber needed counselling, it was traumatised."  
"Fuck off, James," Sirius blushed, and Remus forced himself to laugh at the memory, although he distinctly remembered resisting the urge to say 'damn I wish that was my cucumber'.  
"Oh, and bi the way," James said with a lopsided grin, and Remus could really sense the nerves by now, "I need to run something bi you about my love life, because I'm currently on stand-bi, you get me?" Remus gave James a knowing look, and James seemed to relax before looking at Remus and asking, "well don't just stand bi and let me tell them everything, being as you seemed to have picked up on the bi-directional nature of this conversation." Remus sighed. James was actually getting Remus to come out for him.  
"Well James, in terms of the question of your love life, they say it's like riding a bi-cycle," Remus smirked, "it takes a while to learn. However, on the other side of the conversation, there's plenty of guys and girls who'd love to date you."  
"Wait, James, you're bi," Sirius grinned, and James nodded.  
"Yeah, man, and I kinda have a thing for your brother."  
"Well you can have him if he swings that way," Sirius grinned in response, "then you'd literally be my brother."  
"Bro?"  
"Bro."  
"Bro."  
"Bro!" Remus eye rolled as hard as he could.   
***************************************************************************************  
Sirius found his brother in the library near the Ancient Runes section, looking certainly more than a little confused by whatever topic he was looking at when Sirius awkwardly slid into the seat besides him. "Heyyyy, little brother," he awkwardly greeted, mimicking the awkward finger guns that James often did, "how's it going?"  
"What do you want, Sirius," he asked, and Sirius struggled to read his tone as he flicked the page and continued to make notes.  
"Oh, you know, just... talk."  
"Talk then," Regulus said, not looking up from the thick, dusty textbook.   
"Well, I was just wondering how you're getting on? You know, just curious."  
"Oh, well um... rather annoyed by Lucius Malfoy's lessons on pureblood decorum."  
"Trust me," Sirius said darkly, in such a sombre tone that Regulus's head instantly snapped up, "it's for the best. You don't want to understand the punishment you'd get if you stepped out of line."  
"Then tell me why Lucius took you away."  
"No," Sirius said sharply, trying his hardest not to be overwhelmed by his emotions. He had a mission. He was going to find out for James if Regulus liked him or not.   
"Then I don't want to talk, Sirius," Regulus hissed, looking obviously behind Sirius's shoulder. Sirius turned around and saw the Death Eater gang on their way, and Sirius instantly understood, leaving as quickly as he could. He didn't trust them enough to be found without at least one other Marauder- preferably not Peter though- and on top of that, if they knew that Regulus still talked to Sirius, then they'd certainly harm him.  
Sirius hurried back to Gryffindor Tower as quickly as he could, throwing himself onto the sofa despite Remus occupying the space he planned to occupy, but thankfully the werewolf was quick to move away, giving Sirius a death glare. Sirius grinned as wide as he could, and Remus shook his head and rolled his eyes. James looked to Sirius hopefully and Sirius just shrugged, turning his attention to Remus, who still had a thunderous death glare on his face. Sirius stuck his tongue out in an attempt to unnerve the werewolf, however Remus still glared, so Sirius pressed his palm to his mouth and made a farting noise. James burst into a fit of giggles, but still the werewolf's glare did not waver. So Sirius did his best to screw his face up, but still Remus didn't react. So, Sirius used the one tactic he had left. Rude words. "Hey Remus," he said, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows, "wanna lick my banana split? It's got extra cream," Sirius winked and a blush rose up Remus's cheeks and Remus spluttered helplessly, making both James and Sirius burst unto an uncontrollable bout of laughter.   
"Unbelievable," Remus suddenly said, grabbing his bag and holding it rather awkwardly at his front, "I um- I gotta go poop." Remus bolted from the seat, and James and Sirius looked at each other, shrugging. Remus always reacted strangely and excused himself whenever Sirius made such a joke, and Sirius's heart ached thinking about whether Remus truly accepted Sirius's sexuality, or if he was just uncomfortable with sexual jokes in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, Sirius has a big secret of some sorts, James fancies Regulus, but how does Regulus feel? (well it's kinda obvious if you read the tags but you know.) Also, I wOnDeR wHy ReMuS sUdDeNlY rAn OfF wHeN sIrIuS mAdE aN iNnUeNdO?


	3. Siriusly?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius being annoying, and a very unusual encounter with James and Regulus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter really, apart from a slightly off-putting image of Sirius! And a lot of innuendo.

Sharing a dorm with Sirius Black was far from easy, Remus thought to himself, especially as it was 3AM and he was playing the tuba. Remus had no idea when he'd gotten a tuba or where he learned to play it, but what he did know was that it was far too loud for 3AM as Sirius stomped around the dorm playing a jaunty tune. Remus threw his pillow at the boy, but it missed and fell on the floor- the light was also on, which certainly did not make it any easier to sleep and by this point, Remus was getting a headache. He looked around the dorm through half-closed eyes, noticing that the contents of everybody's trunks were splayed all over the floor.  
Peter was still asleep, but then again, Peter could sleep through the end of the world. James was... not in the dorm, so Remus turned his attention to the fifth roommate- Kingsley Shacklebolt, who was sitting up and staring indignantly at Sirius. Remus looked back to Sirius, who was parading around in- were they Lily Evan's knickers?! Remus shook his head in disbelief and looked again, and sure enough, Sirius wore a pair of hot pink laced thongs. Remus knew they were Lily's because she was the only girl that would come to their dorm, and more than once had accidentally left her underwear when she'd used their shower and dropped them.  Also, they were incredibly tight, oh Merlin, Remus was staring! There should have been nothing attractive about seeing a hairy teenage boy with pubes and one testicle sticking out of a tight pair of feminine underwear, yet here he was unable to stop staring at an unnaturally hairy testicle belonging to one midnight tuba player. Remus didn't know whether he should be horrified or aroused. He ended up a mix of both. He looked up to Sirius's face, his cheeks bright red and puffed out as he played the loud brass monstrosity, his eyes wide open and glistening with mischief, his hair pulled back into a messy bun at the back of his head- Sirius in a bun. Holy everfucking Merlin above, Remus was going to explode.   
However, the noise was certainly unbearable, so Remus threw the nearest object he could find- his alarm clock. It smashed against the bell of the tuba, and Remus groaned in frustration. Kingsley Shacklebolt threw a hex his way, but Sirius somehow managed to sidestep out of the way, almost stumbling but staying upright, continuing his journey in a clockwise circle, obstreperously tooting his tuba. Finally, Remus plucked up the courage to do the one think that nobody else would do- tackle a half naked man in women's underwear playing the tuba. So Remus lunged at Sirius, grabbing onto the tuba and ripping it away from Sirius, before throwing it across the floor. "NO SIRIUS! BAD DOG, NO BISCUIT!" Kingsley gave Remus a befuddled expression, and Remus sighed, not really knowing how to explain. Kingsley knew that they were animagi- of course he did, however there was something unexplainable about yelling at a 17 year old boy as if they were a naughty puppy. Sirius gave a look of shock to Remus, who glared dangerously.  
"But biscuit," Sirius protested, and Remus held his gaze.  
"And," Remus added, narrowing his gaze even more, "no motorbike."  
"But motorbike," Sirius whined, his grey eyes pleading. Remus was trying his hardest not to cave under the sad expression of Sirius Black's puppy dog eyes.  
"No motorbike," Remus reiterated with conviction, and Sirius pouted, but then seemed to decide that he might as well earn his punishment- he pulled his wand out of the thongs and conjured an oboe, instead playing that. Kingsley shot another hex his way, but again Sirius was far too quick. The oboe was terribly high-pitched, Remus thought, covering his ears for a second as the sharp, shrill melody invaded his ears. Finally Remus gathered his bearings and lunged at Sirius again, snatching the oboe and throwing it across the room.  
Sirius merely conjured a clarinet- which although more pleasing to Remus's ears, was still something he did not want to hear at 3AM. After going through an entire orchestra of instruments, Remus finally managed to grab Sirius's wand, holding it out in front of him in both hands as if to snap it. "No- no, Remus, please," Sirius pleased, and Remus bent the wand a little. "Remus I'm sorry, I won't do it again, -please!" Remus knew that Sirius had every intention to do it again, but the puppy dog eyes melted through to his soul and he sighed, handing Sirius's wand back with a small smile. Sirius grinned in return, and jumped down onto Remus's bed- the boy certainly had no boundaries, that was for sure, and whilst it annoyed Remus to no end, especially given the fact he was in Lily's knickers, Remus couldn't help but think about pressing Sirius into the bed and kissing him, every last inch of him. Even though there was absolutely nothing sexy about Sirius in a girl's underwear. Or at least, there wasn't meant to be. Remus tried his hardest to cast the thoughts out of his mind, shoving Sirius off the end of the bed.   
"Now go the fuck to sleep, Padfoot," he glowered, and Sirius giggled, and Remus could hear the thump of his heart growing louder and more rapid.  
"Yeah," Sirius said quickly, "I should." Before Remus could reply, Sirius flicked out the lights and closed his bed curtains, uttering a silencing spell. Sirius smelled of guilt and sadness, clearly thinking that he had upset Remus, who could hear the odd sniffle through the silencing charm. Part of Remus wanted to go and curl up with Sirius, tell him that he wasn't mad, but at the same time, he'd only confuse Sirius. Because although Remus wanted a relationship with him, Remus needed a little more time to prepare himself. He smiled to himself, thinking that soon he'd be able to taste those lips against his own, that he'd be able to grab a fistful of hair as he pushed his tongue into Sirius's mouth, that soon, he'd be able to feel Sirius's body against his... it would have been an arousing thought, if it wasn't for the fact that Sirius was crying. Remus was more thinking about coming out of the closet. He knew that Sirius would take it very well, and James being bi would be okay with it.  But Peter wouldn't, and Remus knew that a lot of people wouldn't, and being a prefect, he'd probably face a lot more disrespect. And Remus wasn't quite sure if he could handle that, or even handle people knowing. Yet at the same time, he'd never want to hide his relationship with Sirius. Remus looked away from the closed bed curtains of Sirius's bed. So Remus let himself drift into rest- he couldn't force his mind to stop racing, his stress balling in his stomach and his chest, and he knew he'd be exhausted the next day. Damn Sirius and that damn tuba.  
************************************************************************  
James had the map, concealed along with himself under the invisibility cloak, the light from the tip of his wand illuminating all the figures as they slumbered, or like him, walked around the castle. He couldn't sleep again, mind ablaze with thoughts of Sirius's admission to having a crush on Remus late last night, or more accurately, Sirius was fully in love with him. But the way Sirius was describing Remus, so passionately, throwing his whole heart into a somewhat poetic- if not perverse- discourse as to why Remus Lupin should bone him dry and grind down against him- well, it reminded James of the way he saw Regulus, the way he thought of him, although James's mind was a little less on the horny side. So James took a walk, through the castle, when he noticed movement on the map with a familiar name- Regulus Black. James snorted at the coincidence, that he should be thinking about Regulus when he sees him stop in a corridor on the seventh floor. James finds him stood there, as if he's waiting, which he appears to be when he looks in James's direction, which makes no sense to James, unless, of course, he was waiting for his deatheater friends. However, when James kicks a lose stone, Regulus suddenly makes towards him and yanks the cloak of, his face flushed with what James would assume to be anger.  
Now James had a decision. He could choose to act normal, which would involve a small standoff, or he could-  
James flew at Regulus, bombarding him with a rugby tackle and wrapping his arms around the other boy's waist, before yelling "SQUEEEEEEEEEZE!" and grinning wider than he had since Gryffindor won the house cup.  
"What the hell, Potter," Regulus protested, although James noted that Regulus made no move to shove him away- although that was more likely because James's arms were trapping Regulus's arms by his sides. James figured that if he was to stop, he would have to give a rather awkward explanation as to why he almost knocked Regulus over in a hug when he barely knew the boy, so James continued with what he now decided was the most logical plan anybody could come up with, really- and squeeze him tighter, giggling as if drunk. "Potter," Regulus continued sternly, "I do not care for miscellaneous displays of affection in the castle corridors at night, nor do I care for affection. Unhand me. In fact, why are you hugging me like this?"  
"You looked sad," James lied, squeezing him even tighter, and Regulus seemed to relax, as though he knew that James would not merely release him. So James hugged him tighter and pressed himself closer to the other boy's body although this just made him stumble backwards into a wall, James's knuckles hitting painfully on the masonry. He felt Regulus completely tense in his arms, his breaths suddenly seeming shallow and fast, and James realised just how unwelcome the contact was, but his hands were pinned to the wall. So James painfully scraped his knuckles to release Regulus, who looked at him with wild, frightened eyes. "Reggie, I'm sorry," he said, the grin faded into a concerned and apologetic expression, but Regulus didn't seem to get any less scared.  
"Don't call me Reggie," he said calmly, keeping a cool but frightened gaze locked onto James, "it's Regulus. Just because you're probably shagging my brother doesn't give you the right to touch me." James found the calm and stern tone suspiciously haunting, rehearsed even, but James couldn't help but snort at the thought of him and Sirius.  
"Nah, he's my brother," James said, before realising that he was in fact talking to Sirius's brother. Regulus's features were softer than Sirius's, and although he had the same grey eyes as Sirius, James found Regulus's eyes to be like ice, like water, like tears, not like the liquid silver in Sirius's. Which made no sense- they were the same eyes- but they weren't. Because these eyes belonged to Regulus. And they looked calm and sad, unlike Sirius's stubborn eyes, Regulus's eyes looked defeated and tired, but there was something so captivating about them now. And there was Regulus's lips, soft and so perfectly pink, almost feminine. But they weren't parted like they would be with anybody else James knew, but they were pressed into a thin line, his jaw tensed and defined, wide and masculine, and so tense James was sure he's shatter his teeth. Regulus had such a calm expression for somebody so tense and so clearly frightened. Who, James thought, could possible by frightened of a hug? Regulus's hair seemed thicker than Sirius's, and James wondered whether funning his fingers through the black strands would calm him, but somehow he doubted that physical contact would help at this point; whatever had Regulus tensing up so badly, and how had he learned to mask it the way that he did? James tried to relax his own posture, holding his wand up as if to say that he meant no harm, stuffing the map into his pocket, and although Regulus seemed to relax a little, his eyes only widened, and James could see sadness replace the fear, and James couldn't help but think about how much he really needed a place where he could talk to Regulus-  
And there it was. Masonry suddenly crumbled and creaked and groaned, forcing Regulus to practically jump from the wall to James's side, both boys pointing their wands at the wall until a large wooden door appeared. James and Regulus looked at each other in question as to which one of them had casted the spell, however there was no response from either of them, so both boys apprehensively pushed open the doors to find a rather comfortable looking room. Suddenly they were confronted with a candlelit room, walls painted in a dark but cosy blue yet still stonework, with a black fabric couch and several blankets, but it also had a somewhat formal tone to it more befitting to the situation. James being James, just waltzed right in there and threw himself unceremoniously onto the sofa, patting the seat beside him. Regulus looked him up and down and apprehensively walked in, sitting uncomfortably on the arm opposite James, who had his feet on a formal looking glass coffee table. James shrugged, reaching into his pocket and popping a sugar cube into his mouth, grinning at Regulus who had a rather very unimpressed side glance on his face. It was as though neither boy knew why the other was there, which made for a very awkward five minutes of sitting and not saying anything, although James had been observing the slight tremble of Regulus's hands.  
"So..." James finally began once the trembling seemed to stop in Regulus, "Um... you come here often?" Regulus merely raised his eyebrows in response, rolling his eyes and sighing, not replying. Regulus's back was almost entirely straight- he didn't slump or slouch, naturally curling inwards at the bottom before curving back out to reveal a rather delectable arse, James mused. But his pureblood posture seemed all to familiar to James- whenever Sirius felt threatened, he would lose his slouch and his back would instantly straighten like this, although Sirius would instead become enraged and start sending hexes, whilst Regulus seemed to be rigid, frozen to the spot, so James decided that he would try to make him laugh, just to settle him, noticing the way his knees clenched together and his hands rubbed together on his lap. he looked deeply uncomfortable. "So..." James tried awkwardly, "what brings you here..." Regulus didn't even dignify such a pathetic attempt with a response, so James shuffled closer, but stopped dead when Regulus suddenly flinched, eyes fluttering closed and clamping shut.  
"I have to go," Regulus said calmly, but James could hear his voice wavering- Regulus seemed terrified and it was clear that he did not trust James in the slightest. However, Regulus remained clamped to the arm of the couch. James moved away and watched as a tiny amount of tension seemed to leave Regulus, and James wondered if it was because of the amount of times he had hexed other Slytherins. But something just seemed- off- in the way Regulus reacted and it worried James deeply. So this time James tried again, relaxing himself as best as he could and tearing his eyes away from Regulus's perfect arse, looking down at the table.   
"you know," James said softly, "something obviously brought us to this room."  
"Well," Regulus said calmly, looking to the spot where the floor met the wall, "I don't believe in fate, so I shall assume that this is the castle's cruel way of enticing its victims and we are about to be mauled by Godric Gryffindor's secret giant lion." James noticed Regulus's lip quirk up, like he couldn't help the sarcastic venom that poured out in response so naturally, unlike Sirius, who would have a glint in his eye all day until he had a chance to say something he had spent hours thinking about. The sarcasm was just so natural to Regulus.  
"Now, Regulus," James grinned, quickly thinking of a reply, "it's clearly Salazar Slytherin who has a secret giant snake about to destroy our asses." James suddenly stopped, flushing bright red with the overwhelming thought of 'oh Merlin, that sounded so very wrong' followed by 'oh no Regulus has gone bright red, quick, say something else to make it less awkward!' Which unfortunately happened to be, "or my not so secret giant snake waiting to destroy your ass." Regulus jumped up, pressing his back against the wall, wand raised at James who realised that perhaps making a sexual joke wasn't the best way to win his affections. "No homo?"  
Regulus's fear dissolved strangely, as if he should still be scared, but as though he could never be scared of James, and James wondered why Regulus hadn't hexed his sorry little arse to high Hell yet. "No homo," Regulus repeated, lowering his wand and staring in disbelief, "you dare to make an innuendo about putting your genitals into my rectum then say 'no homo'? What is that supposed to mean?"  
"Not in a gay way?"  
"You're the one having impure thoughts about placing a part of your anatomy into a part of my anatomy. I do not believe that there is a heterosexual explanation for anything you have done since I pulled off that cloak."   
Well damn.  
James had no response.  
I mean, he wasn't exactly wrong.  
"Alright," James said, pushing his glasses back up, "full homo." James gave Regulus a cheeky smirk and a wink, and Regulus scoffed as though horrified, before swiftly and rather unexpectedly sitting besides James.  
"You do realise, Potter, that there is an etiquette to courting within pureblood tradition, and your blatant disregard for it amuses me."  
"You mean I should have just asked you out? It would have been that simple?"  
"Well, if you were to have asked me, I honestly can't say what would have happened. For a start, although you are not entirely deplorable and insufferable- do not smirk that is not a compliment- how exactly would you presume a relationship could possibly work?"  
"Well uh- you uh- y-y-y-you'd want a relationship? With me?" James felt himself turning puce under Regulus's unreadable stare.  
"Well, I'm a homosexual, I'd assume you're a homosexual, and I happen to be-" Regulus cleared his throat- "attracted to you and single."  
"Oh! Oh, um- er-" James laughed nervously, and Regulus's cool exterior suddenly looked vulnerable as he waited for a reply. "Yes! Um- Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yeah!"   
Regulus merely raised an eyebrow, amused, so James continued on- "Um, yes! Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yeah! Yeah-" James was cut off when Regulus suddenly burst out laughing.  
"James," He said finally, regaining his composure, "you silly fucking dork, just... kiss me!" James loved Regulus's smooth voice, masculine but not particularly deep, but posh, making James giggle when he swore. So James burst out nervously giggling like a girl at the idea of a kiss, until Regulus sighed dramatically and pressed his lips gently to James's.  
"Um! Yes! Wow! Wow! Kiss! Wow! Lips! Wow! Um, I'm hard."  
"I'm sorry, what now?" Regulus blinked in a state of shock, and James just nervously laughed, grabbing one of the blue hessian cushions and placing it over is lap, and Regulus looked at him with wide, shocked, maybe horrified eyes. Regulus finally regained his composure before saying, "Potter, if that is just your reaction to a tiny kiss on the lips, then I can only imagine your reaction to a real kiss."  
"I'll probably come in my pants," James said quietly, and Regulus was undeniably horrified.  
"So..." Regulus began awkwardly when he finally regained his composure, looking at a certainly embarrassed James, "meet again tomorrow?"  
"Yes! Yeah! Yes! Yes-"  
"James," Regulus interrupted, "if you say yes one more time I am going to leave because I cannot be sure if you are awkward or having some kind of sexual experience with yourself. Meet after dinner?" Regulus smirked and left, so naturally James decided that there was only one logical thing to do after such an encounter. Have a wank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I was gonna wait like 10 chapters before Jegulus happened, but I just had to.


	4. Window of Opportunity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wolfstar finally happens, I swear it is so fluffy and so smutty and the same time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING- SEXUAL CONTENT AND MENTIONS OF PAST ABUSE

Remus was all curled up, drowning in his oversized robes on the sofa, a mug of hot chocolate with floating marshmallows, the steam fogging up his reading glasses- READING GLASSES?! Sirius almost fainted at the sight, because h.o.l.y. c.r.a.p. Remus. In. Reading glasses. Was so motherfucking hot. Sirius took a few deep breaths, although he knew by now he was most certainly bright red, although he could probably pass that off as having just got in from the cold. The tip of Remus's nose and his ears were a pinker shade now, as opposed to bright red from the cold of the snowball fight ten minutes ago. Remus looked adorable, Sirius thought, as he floated his book in front of him, both hands wrapped tightly around the mug, with sweater paws. Just when Sirius thought he couldn't get any more adorable, he let out the cutest, tiniest sneeze. And Sirius couldn't deny it anymore, or hold himself back from saying something. Like this, adorable, natural, domestic. Because Remus was hot when he had his wicked grin on after a prank, Sirius already buzzing with the adrenaline of mischief when Remus would turn to him with a scheming grin and Sirius would try to hide his lust-filled eyes with his hair, the bulge in his trousers with his bag, and Sirius's mind would wonder to the things he wanted the werewolf to do to him. But right now was different. Because Sirius wanted to give himself to the werewolf, to show the werewolf that he loved him so very, very much, to show Remus that he trusted him.  
So he took the deepest breath he could, reminding himself, 'come on, you're a Gryffindor, you've got this', before he softly padded over to Remus, who instantly looked up from his book with those large honey-amber eyes, so vulnerable and trusting, and Sirius found himself stumbling over his words and stuttering, feeling a blush creep up his face, but Remus suddenly reached out, gently touching his palm to Sirius's cheek, his eyes questioning and soothing, as if he knew, and Sirius leaned into the touch, slowly sitting down next to him, and Sirius wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss him, but he wanted to make sure first, that the other boy wasn't just comforting him in case he thought something had recently happened to Sirius, so Sirius finally managed to attempt to string a sentence together. "Remus... I have to... I have to- to say this, I- I can't hold this back any longer, um... Re..."  
"Sirius," Remus said softly, interrupting him, his golden eyes darting between Sirius's platinum ones, and Sirius gulped, lips instinctively parting as Remus's eyes flicked down to his lips for a second, and Sirius didn't even notice how close their faces were until Remus experimentally brushed their lips together, not quite a kiss but like he was waiting, so Sirius applied a light pressure with his own, just a small kiss, but instantly the warmest feeling of relief and love sent shivers through his body, balling in the pit of his stomach and- well, somewhere else, although Sirius didn't seem to notice this, because his lips were slowly moving against Remus's in an experimental chaste kiss, and finally- finally! Remus pulled back slowly, taking Sirius's hands, and Sirius noticed that his hands were trembling slightly as the corner of Remus's mouth curled up slightly. Remus stood, his eyes so full of vulnerability and trust, and Sirius obeyed the unspoken command, standing too, and in that moment as their eyes connected, Remus laying his reading glasses on the table, they both knew what was about to happen. Sirius hooked his fingers into Remus's belt loops, pulling him into one more chaste kiss, to make sure that he hadn't just imagined that, before gently guiding Remus back to the dorm they shared, gently closing the door.  
"S-Sirius," Remus said softly, reaching out with a tender hand to gently pull him closer by his tie, "I want to..." Remus didn't have to finish the sentence as Sirius pressed a reassuring kiss to his lips, blood rushing south, his pulse pounding wildly as he watched Remus's pupils dilate, a flush come across his cheeks as his lips parted, looking down Sirius's covered body, his gaze respectful, questioning, curious all at once as his hands rested on the knot of Sirius's tie. "Is this okay," he asked gently, and Sirius nodded his permission as Remus gently unravelled the loose knot, letting the tie fall to the floor, and Sirius awkwardly rested his hands on Remus's waist, in a questioning way, until Remus smiled slightly in response, so Sirius held a firmer yet gentle grip on his waist. Remus took Sirius's collar in his hands, running his fingers over where the top button was undone, eyes searching for Sirius's permission before he shakily undone the next button, his hands becoming more confident as he made his way down, letting the shirt fall open and blushing at the familiar sight of Sirius's bare chest, but it seemed all the more majestic now Remus was allowed to... see it in such a context, Remus was awestruck. He looked up to Sirius again, who nodded his consent, and Remus slowly slid his shirt off his shoulders, pulling it down his arms and watching it fall to the ground behind him. Remus reached his hand out, looking to Sirius, who again nodded, and Remus finally ran his fingers across Sirius's smooth chest, flattening his palm and splaying his fingers across the warm flesh, feeling the heart beat he had heard so many times thumping against his chest, feeling a thin film of sweat already forming under his sensitive fingertips. Remus let his thumb stroke over one of Sirius's nipples, making his breath hitch.  
"C-can I..." Sirius asked nervously, hands on the clasp of Remus's robes. Remus nodded, then gently added,  
"take it all off," and Sirius let out a breath he didn't realise he's been holding. Sirius smoothly slipped Remus's outer robed off, watching the thin fabric cascade to the floor, then pulled at the hem of his jumper, waiting for permission, which Remus granted with a small sound, a deep whine almost, and Sirius pulled the thick fabric over his head and his arms, holding the jumper in his hands before letting it fall to the floor. He took Remus's immaculate tie in his hands, and this time Remus's whine of consent was a little higher, and Sirius carefully undid the knot, slipping the tie from around his neck and letting it slip through his fingers to the floor. Sirius looked at the crisp white shirt that covered Remus's chest, a pink tinge of flesh showing through the light cotton. He help the top button beneath his fingers, his hands suddenly trembling, because finally he was allowed to do this, Remus was giving him his virginity- well, Sirius thought it was his virginity, he'd never had sex in Hogwarts, but Sirius knew better than anyone that loss of maidenhead isn't always consensual, but either way, Remus Lupin was willingly letting Sirius disrobe him, willingly giving his body, but Remus was shaking.  
"Remus," Sirius asked gently in a low tone, "are you s-sure this is what you want?"  
"I'm just... my scars..."  
"Remus," Sirius sighed, relieved that Remus was insecure and not uncomfortable, "I've seen your scars."  
"Not all of them," Remus almost whispered, so Sirius pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. There was just something so pure about something considered so impure, Sirius mused, as Remus guided Sirius's hands to undo his buttons. Sirius watched as the shirt fell open, Remus's eyes vulnerable as Sirius pushed the shirt off his chest.  
"Woah," Sirius couldn't help but whisper, as the werewolf's pale milky flesh, a small peach tone darker than Sirius's, marred with scars, was exposed. Sirius looked into his lust-filled, vulnerable eyes for permission to touch, and traced his fingertip over Remus's perfectly imperfect chest, letting his hand drop as Remus's arms twitched, as though he wanted to cover his body. "You're beautiful," Sirius added, unable to speak louder than a whisper with the sheer magnitude of what was happening, he was going to willingly have sex with Remus, the boy he loved more than anything, trusted more than he trusted James or Regulus, and Remus was giving himself to Sirius, letting Sirius unwrap him like a gift- because Remus Lupin was truly a gift. And he was giving himself to Sirius. He trusted Sirius with his gift, and in that moment, as though he hadn't already, he promised to protect that gift with his life. And protect it he would.  
Sirius finally snapped into the present, removing his shoes and socks slowly, watching Remus do the same before they looked back at each other, stepping closer, and Remus hovered his hands over the black leather belt of Sirius's trousers. "It's okay, Moony," Sirius said in a low voice, "you don't have to, we can stop."  
"I- I want to, more than anything, I just... I'm checking you want me to... t-take off y-your trousers," Remus said, his nervous stammer making an appearance. Sirius nodded, and Remus slowly started to undo the clasp on his belt, Sirius gasping at the proximity to his slowly growing manhood. Remus slowly unthreaded the belt, letting it clatter to the floor, lips parting as he gasped, slowly pulling down Sirius's fly, and Sirius couldn't help but moan, Remus's pupils dilating further at the sound, as though he could smell the arousal as he pushed Sirius's trousers down his hips, Sirius stepping out of them as Remus fixated on Sirius's growing arousal, the werewolf's breath growing more and more frantic and desperate, and Sirius could see his arousal bulging under the fabric of his trousers. Sirius reached out to his belt and Remus nodded, so Sirius carefully undone the clasp, snaking the belt out of the loops and dropping it to the floor beside them, looking him in the eyes before undoing the button on his trousers, unzipping his fly, making Remus gasp loudly, biting his lip, and Sirius could only stare at the half-hard bulge in his boxers because Holy Merlin, that was big...  
Remus stepped closer, pulling at the fabric of Sirius's tight boxers and Sirius nodded, whimpering and sighing as his erection was finally freed, letting his boxers fall, stepping out of them before giving Remus a questioning look. Remus nodded, so Sirius slowly and carefully unwrapped the last physical barrier, letting Remus's tight boxers fall to the floor, and Remus panted in a somewhat canine-like way for a few seconds, regaining his composure as he rested his forearms on Sirius's chest for stability before taking Sirius's wrist gently, looking at him with trust and vulnerability. Remus walked backwards, Sirius following, enchanted. Remus felt his calves hit the end of the bed, letting himself fall backwards, crawling up the bed to rest his head on the pillows, letting Sirius crawl on top of him as Remus rested his hands on Sirius's muscular shoulder blades. It meant so much to Sirius, in that moment, for Remus to place his own body beneath Sirius's, the level of trust in his eyes, and he nodded again, and Sirius pressed an experimental kiss down his jaw, dragging his lips over the rough skin there before pressing small kisses down his neck, pausing over his bite mark as he noticed their arousals brush together, making both of them gasp because it felt so good, the pure electricity of the touch, the sensitivity they hadn't known before, both of them losing their breaths a little, a taster of the pleasure that was to come. Sirius kissed Remus on the lips again, gently nibbling his bottom lip and Remus parted his lips, allowing Sirius to slip his tongue in and Remus whimpered in arousal, dissolving into the kiss and pulling Sirius closer, but Sirius pulled back, gently kissing the bite mark on Remus's neck, kissing lower to his collarbone and softly biting and sucking at the flesh there.  
Sirius trailed his lips down, following the line of every beautiful scar he could see, kissing every scarred piece of Remus he could, Remus whimpering and gasping and letting out tiny moans as he kissed over his chest, lingering to suck on each nipple. "Beautiful, Moony," he muttered, as he kissed the largest scar on his chest, "so beautiful..."  
"You... don't have to- have to p-pretend," Remus gasped as Sirius started work on his stomach, so Sirius rolled his erection against Remus's, making the werewolf gasp, his head rolling back onto the pillow as he let a slightly louder but still quiet moan escape his lips "Fuck, S-Sirius..."  
"Is that real enough," Sirius said in a low voice,  kissing down his hips to the scars on his thighs and legs, having already kissed his arms and face, "you're so perfect to me... so beautiful..." As Sirius kissed each scar, including the one on the bottom of his left foot, which made Remus squirm and giggle, Sirius smiled, instructing Remus, "roll over so I can kiss the rest," and Remus smiled nervously, a look of steely determination and 'don't panic, Sirius' in his eyes. Remus rolled onto his stomach, hips lifted off the bed for obvious reasons, and Sirius worked his way across Remus's back, gently kissing each scar, even the one on his right bum cheek, which made Remus gasp and moan. But Sirius stopped. Because right where the waistband of his trousers would have been were four vertical nail marks-not claw marks as such- well, they were but they changed into nail marks. And Sirius noticed crescent scars on his hips, and Sirius didn't have to guess what that meant. He knew.  
"Can I kiss these scars, Remus," he asked as gently as he could, and Remus nodded, so Sirius treated them the most gently, only pressing feather-light kisses to them, not daring to hold Remus's hips down, and he swore he never would take Remus from behind. So he took the most care with those scars, the scars that transformed from wolf to monster, before kissing up his back to his neck, and it was then that Sirius realised exactly how special it was that Remus was sharing his body with Sirius. Sirius watched as Remus turned back over, his eyes still lustful Remus finally believing that his scars were beautiful, that he was beautiful- and it was then that Sirius realised that they were both so vulnerable, but that was okay, because they trusted each other, Remus trusted him not to hurt him, to care for his body, and Sirius vowed never to betray that trust. because Sirius understood so much more than anybody should. But Sirius wasn't necessarily remembering, he didn't feel sad or put off, because all he could think about was how intimate this moment was, the connection between them, what they both wanted. They both needed to feel in control, but they both knew that the other wouldn't control them like that. They could trust each other. Sirius kissed Remus again, letting the heat of the kiss consume them. It was messy and unpractised, but it didn't matter, because he was kissing Remus, and they were going to give themselves to each other.  
"Sirius..." Remus asked as Sirius moved onto his neck again, finding a sensitive spot that made Remus moan out loud, Remus running his hands down Sirius's arms and tangling his fingers in Sirius's hair to indicate that he didn't want him to stop. "Sirius, can I- can I top," he asked, and Sirius instantly flipped them-well, rolled them really, shifting awkwardly back to the middle of the bed, and Remus looked nervously at Sirius, waiting for that word.  
"Yes," Sirius said gently, "I want this, Remus. Want you... inside me... to- to touch me... I want to go all the way," he said, and Remus let out a deep sigh, leaning down closer, not used to the feeling of being in control. Sirius looked up at him, his Remus, finally about to fuck into him, waves of nerves, excitement and arousal shooting through his body.  
"If you want me to stop, um... t-tap my thigh twice if you- you don't feel you can speak, but I promise I'll stop at any point, I won't be mad, if you stop moaning or moving, I'll stop, if you say no... and don't be mad at yourself if you want to stop." Sirius had no doubts in his mind, the care that Remus had for his body, the respect, and Sirius felt safe.  
"Same goes for you," Sirius said in a serious tone, and Remus took a moment to pause, taking in the breath-taking beauty beneath him, Sirius's platinum irises like marital bands around his dilated pupils, his cheeks flushed a perfect pink, his aristocratic face one of anticipation and pleasure, just a normal horny teenager, a normal boy, but he wasn't. He was special to Remus. His world was laying beneath him, in such an ethereal beauty, ready and willing for him to take. Sirius was his gift to unwrap and care for, to- not use, but to enjoy. Remus looked down Sirius's body to the one part he hadn't seen before, and it was like staring at the forbidden fruit, except it wasn't forbidden, not for him, it was permitted. Remus sighed deeply, reaching his hand down, trailing his fingertips across Sirius's stomach until he reached the line of thick black hair,, looking back to Sirius before connecting their lips, sliding his tongue into Sirius's mouth, tasting the cool metal of his golden tongue stud, finally taking Sirius's length into his hand, making Sirius moan in a needy manner, arching his back off the bed at the touch. It wasn't as though Remus didn't know what he was doing with his hand, having  done similar things to himself, but it felt different, so different. It was lighter and smaller than his own, but it was magnificent, Remus thought to himself as Sirius gasped and moaned, so Remus figured he should hurry up with the actual sex, but not before trailing hot kisses to Sirius's neck and jaw, biting down on the flesh above his collarbone and sucking, earning a very aroused whine. He'd read the informational books in the library before- had blushed and giggled like a child, of course, but it meant he wouldn't hurt Sirius, he knew what to do. He moved his hand- Sirius whined in protest at the loss of touch as Remus reached for his wand, casting a cleaning spell- not that he didn't trust Sirius's personal hygiene but he'd rather make sure before sticking anything into his arse that... he didn't want that image in his head, so he uttered the lubrication and protective spells he'd learned from the books and put his wand back on the side.  
Remus took a breath and slowly pushed his index finger into Sirius's tight hole, but he was surprise when Sirius didn't gasp at the invasion- Remus imagined that it might not feel so comfortable for the first time, so he slowly thrust his finger in and out, enjoying the gasps and groans that came from his lover. Remus added a second finger, which was met with even more resistance, and began to scissor slowly, arching them until he found that sweet spot, his prostate, and Sirius gasped loudly, grasping the sheets and moaning, his head rolling back against the pillows, so Remus made sure to remember the location of that spot as he made sure Sirius would be stretched enough for him, removing his fingers and spreading Sirius's legs, Sirius moving them to rest comfortably on Remus's waist, feet hooked together. Finally satisfied that Sirius was thoroughly prepared, Remus cast a second lubrication spell on his length, giving himself a few quick strokes before he lined up with Sirius's entrance. "S-Sirius," he questioned, and Sirius moaned his consent, so Remus slowly pushed the tip in with a moan, and Sirius gasped, so Remus looked into his eyes, and Sirius nodded for him to continue, so Remus began to push himself slowly in, gasping and moaning at the pleasure of the tight hotness engulfing his penis, although he stopped when Sirius drew in a sharp intake of breath. "Sirius?"  
"Ah, I'm okay, please, c-carry on," Sirius reassured, caressing Remus's body. Remus nodded and continued to push himself in until he was fully seated, gasping in pleasure, his eyes fluttering shut, and he feared if he was to move right away it would be over immediately. Sirius moaned at the sight of his lover inside him, having watched his penis disappear inside him, Remus in pleasure, moaning obscenely, pleasure for him. "Fuck, Remus," he muttered between moans, hands wondering down to where they were connected, wanting to touch the length inside him, but he figured there'd be plenty more times for that in the future, so for now, he merely enjoyed the sensation of being willingly filled by Remus, seeing Remus whimpering in pleasure and moaning as he merely rocked his hips. Remus finally composed himself enough to pull out slowly and push back in, moaning loudly and obscenely as he did so, slowly letting himself adjust to the feel, the resistance of the muscular ring he was fucking into, and Sirius moaned at the tenderness Remus was showing with him, but Sirius didn't want it tender, he decided, he wanted it as hard and fast as Remus could muster, to hear Remus's obscene moans as he slammed into him. Sirius moved his hips in time with Remus's slow thrusts, and Remus gained confidence, but it was still too gentle, he was holding back, so Sirius thrust his hips as hard as he could, and Remus's gasp was heavenly. He instantly understood what Sirius wanted, slamming as hard as he could into Sirius, moans coming with every thrust into Sirius.  
Remus rested on his elbows rather than his hands as his pleasure grew, and finally the angle was right to start hitting Sirius's prostate, and Sirius's moans also timed with every thrust of sweet agony, Sirius's pleasure growing with each thrust as Remus fucked into him, losing themselves in the moment completely, pure pleasure blocking out their thoughts as their balls contracted more and more with each thrust, not wanting the pleasure to end but also desperate for climax. Sirius tangled his fingers in Remus's hair, lightly tugging the tawny locks, letting his hand fall down Remus's back, cupping his arse, squeezing lightly, hands falling back onto the sheets, gripping them as each hard thrust seemed to move his whole body, the mattress even, but the sound of the bed springs was drowned out by their moans. Sirius felt so close, but before he could reach his orgasm, Remus reached his, screaming out Sirius's name- "OH, SIRIUS YES!" Remus stilled as ribbons of cum painted Sirius's prostate and filled his cavity, Remus's body trembling and clenching in pleasure. Remus managed a couple more erratic thrusts before pulling out slowly, eyes closed.  
Sirius needed to come, badly, rutting and frotting against Remus, and Remus propped himself up on his hands, grinning giddily down at Sirius. "Rem... n-need to- need to come," Sirius gasped, and Remus grinned mischeviously, kissing down his body, Sirius's legs dropping to the bed, and every time Sirius expected Remus to stop kissing lower, he continued, until Sirius felt his tongue lick a stripe up his twitching cock, lapping up the pre-cum. Sirius ignored the soreness of his arse and the wet feeling as cum leaked out, because Remus had taken the head into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the sensitive flesh of the tip, running his tongue over the slit, before slowly taking more in his mouth, until it was deep in his throat, and Sirius moaned loudly, tangling his fingers lightly in Remus's hair, not holding him there at all, and Remus swallowed, and Sirius gasped and groaned in pleasure. But as Remus sucked back up, hollowing out his cheeks, Sirius felt himself reaching the very edge, but it was when Remus muttered, voice still clear enough to be understood despite the dick in his mouth, "come for me, baby," that Sirius finally reached his orgasm, white hot searing pleasure ripping through his body as every muscle clenched-  
"Remus- fuck-" he managed, cum hitting the back of Remus's throat. He gagged a little but made no attempt to move as he swallowed, humming around the member to encourage his orgasm, and Sirius moaned loudly, so loudly, his brow furrowing and mouth hanging open as his eyes fluttered closed until he felt himself start to soften, which is when Remus finally moved his mouth, a small dribble of Sirius's cum on his chin. Sirius wiped it off, sucking his own ejaculate off his finger, and Remus moved back up, laying next to Sirius.  
"How... how was it," Remus asked gently, and Sirius lazily kissed his lover's red, swollen lips, catching his breath.  
"Perfect," Sirius replied, reaching for his wand and casting a quick cleaning spell.  
"Did it... did it hurt," Remus asked, and Sirius smiled warmly.  
"No," he replied, because although there was pain, the pleasure was so intense, and the pain was tolerable, he was prepared, and it was Remus. It was different, as they lay there in their post-orgasmic glow, Sirius's arm around Remus's shoulders and Remus's hand resting over Sirius's racing heart. "Did you... did you like it," Sirius asked, and Remus replied by kissing Sirius's shoulder and wrapping a leg around Sirius's.  
"I more than liked it," he said finally, Sirius tracing hearts on Remus's shoulder blade. Sirius used his wand to tidy their clothes at the bottom of the bed and shut the bed curtains, placing his wand on the side table.  
He kissed the top of Remus's head, the words he'd been so nervous to say flowing naturally now, as though they had been together for years. "I love you," he muttered, and Remus looked him in the eye, a look of pure adoration.  
"I love you too," he replied, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips and admiring the bite on Sirius's collarbone, knowing he had one to match, both on the left. They didn't need to ask if they were dating now, if they were together and exclusive- it went unspoken, because they both knew exactly what the other wanted, because it had been so very special. They drifted off to sleep comfortably in each other's arms, and it felt natural and right, and in that moment, that evening, it had been just them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, wolfstar happened! I hope my writing isn't too bad!


	5. Puking Pastilles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning- eating disorders

Regulus had rarely felt so nervous as he stood in the bathroom of his shared dorm looking at his best dress robes. They were black, collar rounded and up edged in silver, intricate silver toggles going down the length of the robes to the bottom of his stomach, where they were tapered like a waistcoat before flowing freely but stiffly at the back down to his ankles. He wore his best black trousers and his best black shoes too. He looked back at the green intricate Celtic patterns that swirled into a V on his chest, stopping at the edge of his ribs, just above his belly button. The same swirls in V shapes came up to mid-forearm from his cuffs, and from the bottom of his robes to the back of his knees. Finally satisfied that his robes looked okay, a black shirt beneath them, he turned his attention to his hair, thin and black, a parting in the middle, pristinely hanging to his Adam's apple. He smoothed his robes down one last time, trying not to pay attention to his waist- he promised himself he wouldn't make this about that- and headed out of the dungeons to the courtyard where James had asked them to meet. All he could think was 'please not a picnic' as he made his way through the corridors, feeling the cold already. He felt rather glad not to run into Peeves tonight- that poltergeist always had a way of making him feel bad about himself, about the puffiness. He was able to charm most of it away to keep a regular appearance, a still sharp jawline, but Regulus knew how he would look if it wasn't for all the charms he'd learned.   
He finally reached the courtyard, stomach still aching from the double dose of laxatives he'd took yesterday, and froze. Because James was sat there on a red and white chequered picnic blanket, a woven basket in the middle.   
Regulus politely sat down, nerves swimming in his stomach and in his chest, because James looked handsome, and Regulus felt overdressed- James wore stonewashed blue denim jeans with bell bottoms and a chequered shirt with the top button undone, exposing his collarbones, and Regulus felt himself blush. Because James was gorgeous and handsome, and Regulus felt out of place. James blushed and looked down for a moment, looking back up and stammering. "Wow," he said finally, his voice squeaking with nerves. James cleared his throat, looking back to Regulus. "Y-you look- breath-taking!"  
"Thanks," Regulus said awkwardly, feeling his face heat up and he knew his was blushing.  
"I mean it, Regulus," James said softly, and Regulus looked him in the eye, overwhelmed by the sincerity behind them. And, in that moment, he believed it all.   
"So," Regulus said awkwardly, "what now?"  
"We eat," James grinned, his face like an excited child as he picked up a cheese-filled sandwich, and Regulus could practically taste the grease in the air, the dripping butter and the fatty cheese, oh, the cheese, the solid fat in milk removed and left to go mouldy on a shelf in a cave for months. Just a yellow lump of lard- or in this case orange being as James had used Red Leicester cheese. Just being in the presence of so much fatty food made him both want to gorge himself silly and throw up. Regulus looked at the monstrosity James was tucking into- the bread, just pure carbs, the sandwich, carbs fat carbs- no, Regulus told himself. It wasn't about that. It wasn't about that.  
Regulus looked at all the food and picked up some of the salad, nibbling at it, eating it slowly.  
"So," James said, several bites into his sandwich, "we should get to know each other better. So, why Quidditch?"  
"Because," Regulus said, using the conversation to put his food down for a second, "why not? I enjoy playing. Sometimes it can be noisy and overwhelming, but it's fun to play, but if I get too overwhelmed then I wait until afterwards and I let myself scream it out on top of the astronomy tower. Nobody really goes up there, so it's plenty private for a meltdown of sorts." Regulus picked at the corner of the blanket, waiting for James to respond. Had he overshared? Had he gone too far? Should he have said all that?   
"Well," James said, and Regulus wasn't sure if the awkwardness in his voice was because of his overshare or because of the date. "I chose Quidditch because I've always been a super fan. I reckon I'll go professional after Hogwarts. You're not a bad player, you know. Apart from the time you let go of your broom to cover your ears and Padfoot threw a bludger at you. Not that I watch you, that would- that would be creepy, I- I'm digging myself into a hole now, aren't I?" James laughed nervously, and Regulus smiled a little, looking back up to the collar of his shirt, at the dip in his throat, looking up to the Adam's apple that bobbed as he laughed. Regulus noticed his jawline, perfectly chiselled, his lips pink-   
"Random fact," Regulus began, before he was really processing what he was saying, "the colour of your lips is the same as the tip of your penis."  
James choked.   
Suddenly, fizzy blue pop was being splattered all over the food- a little on Regulus, James's cheeks turning redder and redder, and Regulus felt himself go equally as red as he processed what he had just said on a first date. James continued to cough, and Regulus was mortified, but also suddenly very aware of everything around him- the distant hoot of owls, the howl of the wind, the darkness- but he was most bothered by the lumpy ground beneath him, the feel of the cotton blanket beneath his fingers, the feel of the wind, the chill behind it- suddenly his skin was pricked with sweat and his clothes- each movement of the fabric felt like burning needles and he was suffocating-  
"Well," James squeaked, so Regulus forced himself to look eye height over James's shoulder- "that was certainly um- random!" James laughed nervously again, then cleared his throat. "Anyway," he said, and Regulus thought he sounded hesitant- "moving on! What's it like being in the snake house?"  
"C-can you repeat that," Regulus asked, distracted by everything around him, shame instantly engulfing him and he was drowning- drowning in his senses, struggling to process and focus when so many things were demanding his attention.  
"I asked you what it's like being in Slytherin," James said soothingly, and Regulus was able to focus enough to hear it.  
He opened his mouth to speak, but he found the words catching in a lump at the back of his throat, shame and tears pricking behind his eyes, and he wanted to run, run away from it all- but instead he stayed, stuck to the spot, trying to compose himself and not cry in front of his date.   
"It's okay," James said gently, "take a few minutes to compose yourself, maybe go to the bathroom and splash some water on your face, I promise I will still be here." Regulus nodded, taking a breath before running to the bathroom, leaning against the sinks heavily. He felt less overwhelmed in here- it was empty and quiet- not even a dripping tap. He waited until he felt less sweaty, wondering how soon he'd be able to shower- but there they were, the cubicles. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag of puking pastilles. He looked between the door and the cubicles and decided he needed this, to feel in control. Of course he knew it wasn't healthy, it couldn't be healthy with how ill he felt half the time, but he felt like he had been doing this for far too long to just stop. He resisted for now, allowing himself the option to purge after his date, and went back out to James.  
"I um- I'm sorry," Regulus said, sitting back down and smoothing down his robes.  
"It's okay," James said gently, moving a little closer, hugging his knees, "it's our first date, of course it's overwhelming. But you didn't mess it up. I um- I found your little fact quite entertaining. I don't want you to censor yourself. I want to get to know you."  
"Oh," Regulus said, relieved but still feeling a tight pressure in his chest- he was the weird kid, always was, and he had secrets.  
"How about I go first? Um... I obviously like to prank people, I don't like Sniv- I don't like Snape, um... I don't particularly like grapes either. I'm actually bisexual, but... I don't know, I had a crush on a girl and then I didn't and then I had a crush on you and um- well, I still do," James said, laughing nervously, "I cheated in my OWLs because although I'm smart and all I'm just... not good at reading big words and spelling, especially when half the books are in Old English and Latin. I um- I have quite a lot of seizures too, but that's a story for another day- oh! I own a kazoo! It annoys literally everybody and it's how I wake up the dorm- I'm an illegal stag- and also I really like Muggle fashion but Padfoot said I have no sense of fashion- he wants me to get rid of my bell-bottoms, but look at them! They're amazing! I was gonna wear the green corduroy ones but my dog ate them."  
"Well," Regulus smiled, looking at the less-than-appealing trousers James was wearing, "I agree with your dog, they're hideous. But if you like them, then why not? About me, um... I do ballet and I can play piano and clarinet, but I dislike playing music, I have virtually zero patience. Oh! I love bats! Did you know some Flying Foxes have a wingspan of up to six feet long? And the bumblebee bat is about the size of your thumbnail? Um... best not ramble about bats on a first date, um... that's it, that's my entire life that I can think of to say about on a first date."  
"How about this for an embarrassing story? When I was five and I was playing with Lego, I decided in my infinite wisdom as an idiot- to see if it would fit under my foreskin. Long story short I got circumcised and I can't even look at Lego without feeling sick."  
"UM-" Regulus had no appropriate reaction for this information. I mean- how does one respond? "Are you always that stupid?"  
"Well," James grinned, pushing his glasses up, "do you think if fish had arms and legs they'd work out? Imagine a buff fish."  
"What?" Regulus stared for a moment, then burst out laughing, and James's whole face came alive, eyes crinkling as the moonlight reflected in them, and they were like brown topaz, and for a moment, Regulus found himself lost in them before he had to look away again.  
"So," James said, "come on. What random stuff do you think about or do?"  
"Well," Regulus said, tapping his finger and bouncing his knee as a way to keep focus, "bats I suppose, but I sometimes think about things like... what would happen if somebody swallowed two magnets?"  
"It hurts a lot and you need surgery."  
Regulus snorted and erupted into laughter- he wasn't just the weird kid with James. If anything, talking to James made him feel normal for once, and that meant a lot to him. Before Regulus could ask him about it, he saw movement out the corner of his eye- "JAMES, JAMES!" He yelled excitedly, pushing and pulling James and tapping his shoulder harshly, "BAT! PIPISTRELLE!" Regulus squealed in delight, watching the bat fly, and somehow found himself flapping his arms in excitement. James laughed, taking Regulus's hands and looking up to where Regulus was looking, and sure enough, there was a bat flying around.   
"You really like bats, huh? I swear, I react the same when I see an ice-cream truck. You know," James said, taking in the soft, moonlit features of Regulus's face, "I'm glad you agreed to meet me tonight. And I'm glad we saw that bat. I'm even glad I overshared about the Lego incident. Every time I see you in the hall, you look out of sorts, yet just us tonight and you let your guard down. And the way you reacted to the bat, the excitement... I think I fancy you even more. Because I know things I never used to, and I noticed you made eye contact with me. I see you around and you're always looking down. Your eyes are beautiful, by the way. Like ice. It should be illegal for me to gaze upon somebody so beautiful, so perfect, so out of my league."  
"No," Regulus said, "I'm none of those things. I'm the weird kid with a dark mark."  
"You have the dark mark? Can I um... can I see," James asked gently, and Regulus slowly rolled his sleeve up. James traced a finger along it, and Regulus felt uncomfortable- it was like when a bug lands on your face and you want to swat it away, but ages after you can still feel where the bug was- Regulus pulled his arm back suddenly, harshly rubbing the mark to get rid of the feeling.  
"Sorry," James said softly, looking at the blanket they were sat on, "I should have asked your permission. You're touch averse aren't you? I see it all the time, when somebody pats you on your back or shakes your hand when you don't want to. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."  
"It's okay," Regulus said, "I didn't know there was a whole two words for it. I'm just... wired wrong, I think."  
"I have this weird thing where if I sneeze, I sneeze like- for a minute. And I have a mole by my pubes that kind of looks like a tree in terms of shape, or a mushroom. I also cannot for the life of me stop thinking about weird things, like- can you imagine what would happen if you ate your own arm for a dare? Anyway. When did you get the mark?"  
"I'm not loyal," Regulus clarified, "to them, I mean. But- for the first time, I had friends. people who at least pretended to care about me and what I had to say. Then I saw things I wish I didn't, I related to things I wish I couldn't relate to- but I was already branded. I feel sick each time I sit at that table. And I feel worse for everything I used to believe. I... I hate what I became. How blindly I'd sit and listen at the feet of those who would rather harm me."  
"We'll make it work," James said confidently, "me and you. If... you want that, of course. I mean- we've only been sitting here a few minutes but- well can you hear that screaming? That's Peter, so I should go and deal with that soon. I um- before I go, can I um- kiss you?"  
"Y-you want to kiss me?"  
"You don't have to say yes. I mean- this is our second conversation and it's totally okay if you're not gay or if you don't fancy me or anything."  
"I um... I'd like it if you kissed me. It's just- nobody ever wants to kiss me and I don't really know how..."  
"Well," James said, slowly leaning closer, "this would be my first real kiss too." James hovered, lips close to Regulus's, allowing Regulus to close the gap and connect their lips, slowly, softly, both boys feeling the nerves on their lips awaken, fuzzy adrenaline rushes igniting their hearts, thumping wildly against the bone cages they were kept in, eyes sliding shut as their mouths moved together. James's lips tasted of cherry, Regulus noticed, like chapstick- Regulus's were rough from being bitten so many times. It was only a short kiss, as they pulled apart, lips parted and pinker, pupils dilated and cheeks flushed pink- and both boys yearned for more, but it simply wasn't worth the risk of getting caught.   
"I'll see you tomorrow," Regulus said decisively, "meet me in the corridor. Where that weird room appeared. Ten. Most people will be in the common rooms by then."  
"I look forwards to it!" James grinned lopsidedly, pushed his glasses back up, and stood up, holding his hand out for Regulus. Regulus took his hand and stood up, smoothing his robes down, and James left a delicate kiss on his cheek. "See you tomorrow, Reggie," he said gently, before winking and walking off. "OI PETER," he yelled, and the rather very... enthusiastic boy, ran up to him, and Regulus felt a pang of jealousy. The only reasons that he could come up with for the boy's enthusiasm was that he either fancied James, which Regulus felt it was impossible not to like the dork, or that James had only asked him out as a prank.   
Either way, Regulus thought, he would never be enough, so he turned away, walking hurriedly to his dorm- he knew the other boys would be out- and bolted himself in the bathroom, searching his pockets for his puking pastilles and finding nothing. He panicked- but still sat himself on the floor in front of the toilet, forcing his fingers down his throat until his stomach lurched and he heaved. He moved his fingers, slicked in vomit, and coughed, heaving again and coughing, a string of acidic bile dripping down his chin onto his robes, leaving a dark, pungent patch on the silk of his robes. He brushed his hair away with his other hand, leaning on the seat of the toilet, wondering how James could ever love him.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"I found these! A whole box of Puking Pastilles, just lying on the floor in the bathroom! I was thinking we could put them in normal packaging and leave them in the Slytherin common room- you can use your cloak!"  
"Good one, Peter," James grinned wickedly, "and extra for Snivellus! Gosh, he's such a bitch!"  
"Yeah, they were by the sink! And there's a few missing. I think we've got competition!"  
"Maybe," James thought, his mind working in overdrive- as far as he'd heard, nobody else had been pranking around Hogwarts, and if they were, why were they in the bathroom? If they were found in the women's bathroom then maybe he could understand, because they might fall out of their bags when they're getting out their make-up or- those weird white mice they say are for periods- but in the boy's bathroom? Who takes puking pastilles to a bathroom? Why would there be some missing? Then it slowly dawned on him, the way he'd noticed Regulus subconsciously holding his stomach, then he thought about the fact that he'd been into the bathroom before the date and saw nothing, and James hadn't saw anybody enter the bathroom other than Regulus. It was strange, James thought, wondering... was Regulus making himself sick? He hadn't eaten much on their date, and he seemed fixated with James's sandwich at one point... James didn't want to jump to conclusions, however. There could be many reasons for his behaviour, maybe he genuinely felt ill, or maybe it was nerves, or maybe he'd been in a fight. Although he couldn't help but wonder, based on the bruise he'd seen on Regulus's wrist, if maybe what Sirius had shared with him... if maybe Sirius hadn't been able to protect Regulus. And perhaps that could be why- if James was right- it might be why Regulus was so damaged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to say, if at any point you guys feel I should add extra warnings, for example, if there's something else that you find triggering that you think there should be a warning for, feel free to tell me so I can add more warnings


	6. Bare Our Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning- sexual content, discussion of consent

When Remus finally woke up, the first thing he noticed was a heavy weight on his chest. He groaned, and was greeted by a long canine tongued repeatedly licking his cheek. He ruffled the fur on Padfoot's head, and Sirius changed back into himself.  
"Morning, Re," he grinned, biting his bottom lip and looking down Remus's body.  
"Morning, Siri," Remus grinned as Sirius began to trace his hand down Remus's body.  
"I see you have morning wood," Sirius said smoothly, moving his hand even lower, "would you like me to deal with that?"  
"Merlin yes," Remus said quickly, grabbing Sirius's hand and placing it on his penis with a groan.  
"Eager, aren't we," Sirius grinned, slowly pumping his hand as Remus sighed. "How long is it anyway," Sirius asked curiously, planting open-mouthed kisses on Remus's neck.  
"Eight- and a half," Remus managed to say, letting out a small moan, "fuck, Sirius..." Sirius grinned, aroused by his lover's eagerness, and began to move his hand at a much faster pace, earning a loud, low moan from the werewolf. And with that noise, Sirius couldn't bear to not do anything about his own erection, moving his hand away. Remus whined in protest, but soon moaned when Sirius straddled him, holding both of their erections together. Sirius moaned as he watched pre-cum ooze out of Remus's cock, and began to thrust. Remus moaned, arms gripping Sirius's shoulders, Sirius's free hand gripping the sheets as he found a rhythm.  
Sirius moaned as their mixed pre-cum fell onto his hand, lubricating their erections, and one of Remus's hands found Sirius's arse, but the other- the other hand pulled his hair, and Sirius moaned. "You- like that," Remus gasped, moaning, and Sirius nodded. Remus pulled harder on Sirius's hair and Sirius moaned louder, more pre-cum painting their throbbing erections. "Kinky are we, princess," Remus grinned, and Sirius nodded, moaning at his new nickname. "I wonder what else you'll like," Remus smirked, moaning at the friction of their erections sliding together, Sirius's hand also moving. Remus flipped their positions, using his own hand, and Sirius, without thinking, brought his hand up to Remus's hair, streaking it with pre-cum. Remus thrust powerfully into his hand, against Sirius's cock, and Sirius moaned, arching his back.   
Sirius's head rolled back onto the pillows, exposing his long neck, and Remus felt the animalistic desire to bite, to mark him- Remus painted small kisses over Sirius's jaw and neck, before biting down firmly. "Remus- fuck-" Sirius moaned loudly, cock twitching and pulsing more than it had so far- "I'm gonna- fuck- I'm gonna cum!"  
"Come for me," Remus said in a low voice, "come for Professor Lupin." Sirius moaned and his body instantly reacted, Sirius's whole body trembling with orgasm as Sirius's eyes fluttered shut in ecstasy, ribbons of ejaculate coating their stomachs, coating Remus's hand and cock, and Remus moaned brokenly, finding his own orgasm following quickly, his powerful orgasm causing him to moan obscenely loud, thrusting even more, and it didn't seem to end, but by the time they were both spent, penises softening, pulses racing, faces still flushed with arousal, Sirius was feeling rather curious.  
"Professor Lupin," He grinned, "where did that come from?"  
"No idea," Remus chuckled, planting lazy kisses all over Sirius's jaw, "just that you once said I reminded you of a teacher sometimes."  
"Well that was fucking hot," Sirius announced, looking at the sticky mess of Remus's torso, and the gleam of sweat on his body, and the scars, Merlin the scars... Sirius resisted the urge to start licking them.  
"And we discovered you're a kinky dog," Remus grinned, planting more kisses over the slight stubble on Sirius's jaw.  
"Well," Sirius grinned, "I've always wanted to try one of those electric shock butt plugs."  
"Um- well," Remus giggled awkwardly, "I think they could be indulged. If... you wear the collar next time. All the times you wore that collar as a joke... fuck, I'd have to excuse myself and wank to the thought of you in that hot fucking collar..." The collar was a long story, a joke present from James based on Sirius being a dog, but seeing that collar did things to Remus. Remus licked over the bite mark on Sirius's neck, returning to kiss jaw and peppering more kisses there.  
"Remus Lupin!" Sirius gasped, "you dirty, dirty werewolf!"  
"You should know, Sirius, I'm a very horny werewolf..." Remus kissed Sirius's bite mark and licked it, looking lustfully at Sirius.  
"And I'm a very horny dog," Sirius grinned back, "just... be careful not to knot me. When I was researching werewolf sex habits in the library- for no particular Remus related reasons- I heard that dominant werewolves get this thing where cum builds up and forms like- a lump in your cock locking us together until you're all empty..."  
"Well," Remus grinned, dissolving into laughter- of course Sirius had researched werewolf mating habits- "well I doubt you'd protest much!"  
"Of course I wouldn't," Sirius grinned, and Remus kissed him on the lips.  
"I think we should um-" Remus grinned, laughing slightly, "I think we should stop talking about sex and actually think about how we're gonna not get caught in the same bed together, I mean, James is probably already awake and all."  
"Plus we have lessons. Not that I care about them," Sirius added, "although I hope this time when I open the bed curtains, that James has remembered to pull his across, I still remember that time last month where he'd forgot to close his bed curtains and he was wanking and fingering his ass. I think I actually vomited..."  
"And with that mental image, I am no longer hard! We um- it's better if we both get dressed, you cause a distraction, then I just stand by my bed and they'll think I just came from my bed to see what was going on."  
"And this is why you're the brains," Sirius smiled, giving Remus a quick kiss. Sirius cast a cleaning spell, including in Remus's hair, and both boys reluctantly untangled themselves from each other and got dressed.   
"Should we get out of bed now?"  
"Yes now, go be loud and disruptive, it's your only skill."  
"Cheeky git!" Sirius grinned, then finally slipped out of the bed curtains. Remus heard yelling and thudding and used the opportunity to go stand by his own bed- Sirius had Peter in a headlock and James was on Sirius's back. Remus smiled, shaking his head- they were idiots. However, as much as he protested internally that he didn't want to join in, Remus couldn't help but lunge at the boys, diving on top of them and knocking them to the floor.   
However, the fun was soon ended when some well-placed bat bogey hexes were thrown their way by one very tired and pissed off Kingsley Shacklebolt.   
By the time they were finally out of the dorm, showered and all, Remus suddenly felt a wave of terror. Because he'd slept with a man. Despite both being adults in the Wizarding world, under the Sexual Offences Act of 1967, they had to be 21 to legally have sex as homosexual men. So, they'd broken the law. And of course, it was the seventies. It looked like being gay was never going to be seen as okay by the majority, and Remus thought to himself- the only good thing about living in the seventies was punk, because Merlin did Sirius look hot in hot pants and ripped fishnets with a crop-top and dramatic black make-up with his hair spiked and charmed rainbow. Remus forced himself to focus on something other than Sirius looking hot.  
James was a complete and utter twat, Remus thought to himself, as James was strutting down the corridors telling anybody who would or wouldn't listen that he had a Quidditch match tonight, and that they could get his autograph now if they took a polaroid with him. Remus, on the other hand, had one of those crappy disposable cameras, because that's all he could afford. Sirius walked alongside James, a muggle boom box on his shoulder, blasting the Sex Pistol's version of God Save the Queen. 1978 was going to be a long year, Remus thought to himself, wrapping his scarf tighter around his neck and burying his nose in it, his hat pulled over his eyebrows. Even with all the candles, the Great Hall was freezing of a morning, especially in winters- seriously, why were all the candles floating, why couldn't they just put them on the tables?   
James was also proudly showing off his CASIO digital watch to anybody who cared- which was nobody. And of course, ninety percent of the boys in the school had the dreaded basin cut. Remus had to supress the urge to laugh every time he saw one. Which was difficult being as Peter had one. Remus was dreading going roller skating later with the group- he had the poise of a baby giraffe and the grace of Sirius after ten shots of vodka. There was a minor distraction when a first year in a leisure suit caught on fire, but that was put out quickly so nobody paid much attention.   
To add to Remus's embarrassment, James had a new phone. A rotary dial phone. Of course, it was currently useless being as it wasn't plugged in. It was mustard with a silver dial- Remus hoped nobody had to call 999- it would surely take too long to turn the dial to nine three times in a row, so any criminal would be gone by the time you untangled the wire and dialled. The worst- everybody thought it was cool, so James would hold the earpiece to his ear and pretend to be talking to James Callaghan, the Prime Minister. And the idiots would believe it. They also believed him when he pretended to talk to the Queen. Remus had never had a phone in his house, and to be honest, this was the first one he had seen. Remus sighed heavily, rolling his eyes with dramatic conviction as he threw himself onto the bench, hoping to hell there was something other than quiche available for dinner later.   
Sirius took his seat next to Remus, discreetly taking his hand under the table, rubbing his thumb across Remus's knuckles reassuringly and affectionately. Remus blushed, although his face was already flushed pink from the cold. Unlike Remus, who was wrapped in so many layers that you would have thought he was wearing his entire wardrobe, Sirius had his top five shirt buttons open and his sleeves rolled up. James, on the other hand, had ditched his uniform in favour of a mustard shirt with a massive collar, a brown and pink kipper tie, and a navy blue and grey argyle V-neck tank top jumper. To make matters worse, he had repaired his green corduroy bell bottoms and was currently wearing them with brown leather sandals and white socks. Remus was sure he'd be single forever with that fashion sense. None of them noticed Regulus shaking with laughter from the Slytherin table. Peter on the other hand wore his uniform- it was far too tight on his waist, but the sleeves of his jumper were too long and the bottoms of his trousers were shredded because he always stepped on them whilst walking.   
Breakfast was a fry-up as usual, but it was warm at least. Well. It was either so hot you burned your mouth or so cold it would be warmer to eat ice. Remus slipped his hand out of Sirius's and simply made himself beans on toast, whilst Sirius, ever true to his canine nature, took only sausages. James seemed distracted, eating his way through everything and anything near him, whilst Peter just grabbed the plate of bacon they were all meant to share and started to eat it all.   
Sirius paid exactly zero attention to lessons, whilst Remus frantically took notes in a messy scrawl. James didn't plan on writing anything himself, instead charming his quill to write everything said aloud- which meant his notes were full of silly conversations and the infamous words- POTTER! BLACK! DETENTION! This time because they were blowing up condoms like balloons, filling them with whipped cream, and throwing them round the classroom. McGonagall was livid, to say the least. And this wasn't just in transfiguration- oh no. Much to Remus's embarrassment, his boyfriend and the class idiot were doing the same in every lesson, in the corridors, in the bathrooms, at lunch, in the courtyard- they must have been James's because Sirius didn't have any last night, but Remus was sure James was a virgin- the boy hadn't even had his first kiss. Then again, it stood to reason that James, who grew up with elderly parents, would have been taught to be prepared. Although, Remus noticed, James had left Charms early and he'd been gone for half an hour.   
Remus, Sirius and Peter waited outside the classroom for him to return- James had took the map with him, which Remus certainly found... unusual. But when he did return, his lips were glistening- James's lips were always dry- and Remus could smell... wait, he knew that smell. Okay, he thought, where from... it was definitely a male smell, not that different to Sirius's... wait... oh shit, Regulus?! Remus cleared his throat, shoving his hands in his pockets and chewing his lip- boy would Sirius flip his shit if he found out that his best friend had gone behind his back and was potentially sleeping with his little brother. So Remus decided he had no choice but to get involved- he would ask James about it later and encourage him to tell Sirius, but not before he asked Sirius, hypothetically, how he would feel about his best friend shoving his cock in his little brother's mouth. Well. Maybe Remus was jumping the gun a little, but if Sirius was anything to go by, then boy was Regulus going to be kinky. And maybe 'hey Sirius, your best friend is going behind your back and fucking your baby brother's face' wouldn't be the best way to put it. Plus, all Remus could know for certain was that they'd snogged.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"Hey Padfoot," Remus asked awkwardly, sitting down with him on one of the sofas in the common room, "you know how Prongs fancies your brother..."  
"Oh Merlin- look, I'm aware that Regulus is old enough to do what he wants, but... he's still my baby brother. And Reggie... really, really is not like other kids. He's impressionable and sensitive and vulnerable and James is... James. James is arrogant, he's a bit of a prick, he's an idiot, I mean- have your heard the sex jokes he makes? But James... I mean- yeah, me and him were bullies, but the past couple of years, James and I have grown up a lot, and... James would be amazing for Reggie. Because neither of them are angels, but... they're both good people. I mean... I know I haven't spoken to Reggie much, at all, but... I know Reggie is a good person. And James... is so full of love. I mean- I know the way he treats Snivellus isn't right, but Snivellus is far from an angel himself. And James is trying to change. And James... he took me in. He knows I'm broken, and he gave me a home. James took you under his wing too, and Peter. James became an animagus with us to help you, Remus. So I guess... even if it was my best friend shagging my baby brother... they're both old enough and I trust James with my life, so I'd trust him with my brother's heart."  
"Well," Remus said gently, "that's very mature of you, Padfoot. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it- if we come to it."  
"Yeah," Sirius said with a joking smile, "at least we know James has con... doms..." realisation hit Sirius, his smile fading, "oh God he's fucking my brother!"  
"Sirius- no- you can't jump to conclusions!" Remus stammered awkwardly, trying to think of a plausible reason for James having condoms, "maybe he has them just in case- or in case you have sex, I mean- everybody flirts with you and you're a flirt so maybe James is just... maybe he just has them as a 'just in case'!"  
"No no no, James is wreckless, does not think of the consequences, he would not have 'just in case condoms', he would have 'oops, I gave you the clap and maybe we should be careful next time' condoms- and- oh God, he's sleeping with my brother! JAMES!" Sirius paced the room, stress and anger and hurt and confusion on his face.  
"Sirius, wait-" before Remus could stop him, Sirius was already out of the room, heading to the dorms. Remus followed, aware of how angry Sirius was capable of getting.   
"JAMES!"  
"Oh hey, Sirius! Oh, um- if you're wondering where I got the condoms from, they're from Peter, the guy actually thinks he could lose his virginity, he has a whole stash. I mean- we're all sad virgins here. So for any future condom based pranks, Peter has loads!" James grinned, a mischievous glint in his eyes, "I was thinking of filling some with soap so they look used and leaving them around the school!"  
"Oh- oh..." Sirius said, sitting on the edge of his bed, calming down considerably, "so you're not shagging my brother..."  
"W-what," James choked, choking so hard his glasses flew off his face, "um no, um- no! No, I haven't had sex with him."  
"You'd tell me, right? If... if something happened between you?"  
"Yeah," James said, swallowing thickly, and Remus could smell the nerves, "yeah I would but um- it would depend on if Reggie wanted you to know. If he trusted me like that, I wouldn't break his trust and tell you if he didn't want me to. But- if... if I... if we were to be together, even if... if you didn't know about it... you'd be cool with it... right? Because I... I'd look after him... I would. I promise you that..."  
"Right," Sirius said, a mutual understanding between the two, "if you um... if he liked you too and you looked after him then... I guess you wouldn't have to tell me if you were with him, as long as you truly... look after him, please."  
"I will," James said, and Sirius nodded. Remus knew that Sirius knew, of course he did, asking him to look after Regulus, but this way, it wasn't strictly said, so Sirius could turn a blind eye. And he would. Not because he didn't want to know, but because he knew himself the importance of privacy, especially for Regulus, so he wouldn't pry. He knew all he needed to know. James would look after his brother.   
"And if people were to get suspicious that you were dating somebody... I'm sure I could persuade Evans to tell people it was her..."  
"Yeah," James said, nodding, "um... I have somewhere to be, Padfoot. I'll be back in time for our usual slumber party." James smiled awkwardly, and swiftly left the dorm.  
"Sirius?" Remus questioned gently.  
"I'm okay with it," Sirius said, surprised at his own calmness and maturity, "I mean... I understand why... privacy would be important. Is... important. I mean... we're still secret. And I- I wanna keep it that way, until we've settled into it more and had some time to explore... us... before others know."  
"I'm proud of you," Remus said gently, taking his hand, "for being an adult about it all."  
"Now," Sirius said with a smirk, "I'm gonna snog you senseless."  
"Not if I snog you senseless first!"  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"Hey Reggie," James smiled softly, sitting next to him on the bench. This time, the room on the 7th floor had turned into an outdoor space- a small field surrounded by simple yew trees, a bench surrounded by vines, fake fireflies illuminating the corner they were sitting in.   
"Hi, James," Regulus blushed, fondly remembering the spontaneous kiss from earlier in the day, the way James's hair had felt beneath his hands, the light pressure of his lips, his senses alive and filled with the light touch of James's hands on his jaw as James had kissed him tenderly.   
"I think... I really like you, Reggie, so I think it's time we talked about what... this... what we both want." James shifted awkwardly, not sure about the direction this conversation would go. Part of his mind was thinking about them having a future together, living together, growing old and falling in love. Another part was insecure- what if Regulus didn't want the same? And the other part of his mind? Well that part was imagining Regulus saying he wanted sex and James obliging happily.  
"Oh," Regulus said, looking awkwardly at his hands, "you... you go first..."  
"Well," James said softly, snapping out of his fantasy, "I'd like us to be... in a relationship. I want you to be my boyfriend, I want to be your boyfriend, if that's okay, if... if you want that too."  
Regulus's face lit up, his eyes searching James's face before meeting his soft hazel eyes, and Regulus blushed darker. "I'd like that," Regulus smiled, "exclusively, of course."  
"Of course," James said, reaching out his hand. Regulus took it, and James sighed. "We also need to talk about if anyone's going to know. I mean... your brother is my best friend and I don't want to go behind his back, but... I will also completely understand if you want to keep what happens between us completely private."  
"I don't think I want... James, I-..." Regulus shook his head, looking away, and James squeezed his hand lightly.  
"You don't have to explain why you don't want anyone to know, I respect it, I won't breathe a word of this."  
"Thank you," Regulus said, pausing, composing himself to say something, before he finally did. "James I've- I've been through some stuff and- and I'm a little unsteady and I..."  
"Reggie, it's okay," James soothed, holding his hand tightly between his own, "and you don't have to tell me right now, I can see you're struggling. I don't know what happened to you, but I know what happened to Sirius, so... no matter what, I will understand and I will respect your wishes."  
"I- I need a moment," Regulus whispered, swallowing thickly, and James nodded. Regulus walked away from the bench, sitting in the grass holding his knees. The room changed, garden walls replacing the vines, the grass and flowers turning into gravel, still open, but far more closed than it was, far more privacy. James could no longer see Regulus, a grey stone wall between them, but he could hear faint sniffles. He was crying. And James wanted to go and comfort him more than anything, but he respected that Regulus needed space, so he stayed seated, hoping, praying almost, that he hadn't been through the same as Sirius.  
When Regulus finally returned, sitting beside him again, eyes red, looking down, fiddling with his sleeves, James felt a dull thump in his chest, because yeah, maybe they'd only actually talked a few times, but James hated seeing him so hurt, because James was falling hard already. "Are you okay to continue talking? There's some really important things to clarify."  
"Yeah," Regulus sighed, straightening his posture, "yes, I'll be okay now."  
"We need to talk about sex- don't panic I don't mean I'm going to pounce on you- I mean setting boundaries. I mean to take the pressure off, so it's not always in the back of your mind if I want sex or not and- the last thing I'd want is if we had a heated kiss and I misread the situation and I touched you somewhere you didn't want to be touched, I would hate to make you feel like that, or the other way around. So we need to talk about... how fast we want this to move, what level of contact we're okay with, what isn't okay between us."  
Regulus nodded, his face a mix of relief and pain, before finally speaking; "I'm so glad you- you brought that up, because I- I was worried... I mean... not all people care about what the other person wants."  
"Well," James said, "I'm not one of those people. We should both feel safe and comfortable with each other."  
"Yeah... right, we should set our boundaries now. Look James I... I don't think I'd... I don't know what I'd be okay with... where do I start without explaining- I at least owe you an explanation for why I don't want to-..."  
"You owe me nothing," James said, a definite tone to his voice. "You don't owe me an explanation for anything unless you hurt me. You also don't owe me your body. We're in a relationship, not an ownership. Your body and your mind only belongs to you, and it's up to you what you share with me, and if I'm unhappy with that, then it's my problem not yours. If you want two slices of pie and a shop only sells one slice of pie, you don't harass the manager of the shop to give you more pie, you realise that's not the right shop for you and find a shop that gives you two slices. And- that is not me saying I would cheat, it's me saying I'd either get over myself or walk away if I couldn't."  
"But it's a relationship," Regulus said awkwardly, "and in a relationship you have to give your body to them, it's what dad always said to me. Well, he said a woman had to give her body to a man and I'm not a woman but you're a man and..." Regulus was shaking a little, so he took a deep breath, closing his eyes. James's heart broke to hear Regulus talking like that, thinking that he had no choice to consent. Everybody has the right to consent, men, women, and anyone who identifies as anything- everybody has the right to say no. Yet here Regulus was, genuinely thinking that he had no choice. Memories of certain conversations with Sirius came to James's mind, and James felt sick thinking- what if Regulus went through that too?  
"That's... fucked up," James spat, memories of everything Sirius had told him still coming to the forefront of his mind, "no, Reggie, you absolutely do not have to give your body to me. You can, feel free, but do not feel like you have to. At all."  
"Okay," Regulus said, taking it in, and James noticed the room change again, the space slowly becoming more relaxed and open, "that... the idea that I have a choice is... you have no idea how much that means to me... um... and same for you, James. Don't feel like you have to."  
"Of course. Okay. Boundaries. Let's start with kissing. I'm cool with a heated kiss, I wouldn't object to you grabbing my arse when kissing. Or grabbing other things. You can... feel free to grab my penis or you know... I get the feeling I should stop talking..." James panicked- Regulus was still shaking, and here James was thinking about Regulus touching his penis. "I'm sorry, Reggie, I... I wasn't thinking..."  
"It's okay," Regulus said urgently, relaxing his shoulders with a sigh, "You're setting your boundaries. Your boundaries are 'please touch me, I'm desperate'." Regulus smiled slightly, to show James that it was okay.  
"Pretty much," James said taking a deep breath, "To be honest, if I'm kissing you, I'm probably horny and down for anything, but obviously if I say no then I'm not. What about your boundaries?"  
"I don't want you to touch my penis when kissing. Or my bum. If we're kissing, it's kissing. Touching my private areas wouldn't be kissing, it'd be mutual masturbation. Which I have different boundaries for."   
"And... what are those boundaries," James asked carefully.  
Regulus blushed, awkwardly clearing his throat, and James noticed how vulnerable he looked, but he also looked... empowered? Like talking about this was somehow making him feel strong. "That... I don't want you to touch me there unless I ask you to. Even if I decide to touch you in a sexual way, it doesn't mean I'm consenting to you touching me. James, I... I've never even... I haven't even touched myself or allowed myself a wet dream. If I... if I do consent to you touching me, don't take it for granted and don't think it's just about gratification, or about me wanting to let you do it because you want to. I can't explain it yet... n- not now, but... I think it means more to me than it does for others. I- I'm not saying that I won't, I'm just... not ready yet. And honestly... I think I'd be okay with any sexual act, once I'm ready, and that's not today."  
"It's okay," James said, "I'll ask permission if you don't ask, and if you say no or you look uncomfortable, I won't touch you. And it's okay if you're not ready. I can wait until you're ready and it's not a problem."  
"I mean... it's flattering. That... you're aroused by me, I mean. I'm not particularly attractive..." Regulus smiled awkwardly, glancing to James and then looking back to the soft grass on the floor of the room.  
"I think you're stunning, Reggie. Just so you know. You're gorgeous." Regulus blushed deeply, looking down. James shuffled closer, and Regulus's breath hitched. "And I'm not just saying that. You're stunning. And you fancy me, and I can't quite believe that a perfect ten would like a five like me."  
"James," Regulus smiled, blushing even darker, "stop it! You're making me blush! I'm not a ten, I'm a two, and you're a perfect ten... you're James Potter. All the girls fancy you or my brother. All of them. I overheard a rather disturbing conversation in the Slytherin common room between some girls. Or, as Sirius calls them, 'boob monsters'."  
"Yeah," James laughed, "he's very gay! Anyway. I don't care if you think you're only a two. Well, I do care, because- look, my point is... I really fancy you, Reggie. A lot. I've had dreams about you- okay, I sound really creepy..." James laughed nervously, looking down at his crotch and shifting, hoping that Regulus hadn't noticed the fact that James's penis seemed to like the idea of thinking about the dreams he'd had, wondering about if they were going to come true...  
"You have wet dreams about me, you can say it, you know. It's okay, it's healthy, and... I'd rather you touch yourself and have dreams than put pressure on me to do it for you, or worse, you look elsewhere."  
"Well," James said awkwardly, "I'd never put pressure on you or cheat on you. I promise you that. Anyway, now we've set our boundaries, we should probably stop talking about sex because... well. You might not want to look at my crotch right now."  
"Ew. And same. I mean- well you just gave me the mental image of you having a..." Regulus cleared his throat awkwardly, and James grinned. James resisted the urge to look at Regulus's crotch- James knew basic respect, and now was not the right time to stare at Regulus's junk. Regulus laughed softly, looking to James with a smile. "We really are just horny teenagers talking about sex, huh?"  
"Apparently," James chuckled, "but anyway. This was supposed to be a date with snogging and stuff, so... wanna snog?"  
"I mean- well yeah, but we should at least talk first, we can't just kiss the whole date, we're meant to get to know each other," Regulus grinned, reaching out to take James's hand, "and hold hands. I like holding your hand. And I'd like to cuddle today. Plus, when we kiss, can we please stay sitting down? It's not fair I had to stand on my toes and you had to bend down to reach me."  
James leaned across, gently kissing Regulus, cupping his face in his free hand. "Like this," he asked, leaning in again, and Regulus kissed back softly, resting his hand on James's chest.  
Regulus smiled even more, and James noticed how his whole face lit up, but his eyes, his eyes were ice, his eyes were full of life, his pupils wide and wanting, and James melted, kissing him again, smiling against his lips, because fuck, Regulus's smile made his chest burst and something else tingle. Well. Throb. But still, James told himself, now was not the time to think about Regulus's lips on his cock. James took a deep breath and let go of Regulus's hand, opening his arms for a cuddle. Regulus giggled and shifted, sitting on James's lap and resting against his chest, head resting comfortably against James. James wrapped his arms around Regulus's waist, and Regulus rested his hands on top of James's. "That's it," Regulus smiled, "you're a pillow now. And a chair."  
"That's nice," James smiled, although he was glad that Regulus wasn't sitting further back, because whilst his mind was thinking about how adorable this was, how sweet the moment was, his dick had a mind of its own. James rested his chin on top of Regulus's head, ignoring his penis in favour of savouring the moment with Regulus. Maybe they hadn't known each other long, but Regulus felt comfortable with him, comfortable enough to sit on his lap and have James hold him, especially because he was touch averse. And, James thought, probably ticklish. But perhaps he should save the idea of tickling Regulus until they were closer. James finally realised- everything was blurry because he'd forgotten his glasses.


	7. Slumber Parties and Blowjobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning- homophobia, mild violence (One punch from Moony), sexual content (not that anybody is surprised)

James finally returned to the dorm at around eleven- Sirius had already made a blanket fort in the middle of the floor, full of more blankets and pillows, decorated with fairy lights and an oil lamp. It was a large blanket fort, and James instantly dived into it. "Hey guys, who's got the food, I'm starving!"  
"I've got the food," Peter grinned enthusiastically, tipping out the contents of his bag into the middle- Remus instantly scooped up all the chocolate, but that left an assortment of crisps, marshmallows, gummy bears and boiled sweets, and of course, cans of fizzy pop. James instantly opened a cola, but it sprayed everywhere, staining his clothes.  
"Fucking bastard- Merlin!" James cursed, wiping at his top with a random blanket. Sirius laughed loudly, picking up a packet of crisps and opening them. Remus rolled his eyes and cast a cleaning spell on James, whilst Peter was more than happy with a block of cheese.  
"Well," Sirius grinned, excitedly fidgeting, "what shall we talk about first?"  
"Girls," Peter smiled, "there's this Ravenclaw bird with massive knockers I'd love to bang."  
"Eugh, boob monsters," Sirius exclaimed, and Peter rolled his eyes.  
"Come on, James, you know who I'm talking about, right? The blonde one?"  
"I vaguely know who you're talking about, but mate, she's going out with that Hufflepuff guy. And anyway, she's not really my type."  
"Nah, you're more into Evans, aren't you?" Not really, James thought to himself, my crush has a cock. Or, at least, I think he does.  
"Not really," James shrugged, "it was a schoolboy crush, I grew out of it."  
"Okay, what about Dorcas, or- Marlene! They're gorgeous, fuckable." Peter grinned, leaning back on his hands.  
"Okay- Peter, they're lesbians, okay? And maybe they are bangable, but- it wouldn't hurt to talk about them a little more respectfully. Just... nicer words, okay, we talked about this," James lectured.  
"It's not like I'm gonna say something sexual to one of them, I'm not a creep. I've overheard girls talking about guys like this, it's not like I catcall or shout after them," Peter said defensively.  
"Maybe not," Remus said awkwardly, "but mate, you're going a bit far. Yeah, it's okay to say you'd shag somebody, but you're going too far, just... dial it back, will you?"  
"Fine," Peter sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat, "what bird do you have your eye on then, Remus?"  
"I don't," Remus shrugged, hoping he could avoid the conversation. He was more into the bees, not the birds. He smiled at his own pun, a play on the 'birds and the bees' conversation.  
"You've never fancied a girl, really? You've never looked at a girl and got a boner?"  
"I just... don't like any girls at Hogwarts," Remus said casually, not particularly wanting to share his sexuality yet, "they're not my type." Because, he thought to himself, I have a massive preference for people with penises, and I'm fairly sure none of the girls have penises, and if they did, and they were a girl, they'd still be a girl, and not Sirius.  
"James? Any new crushes?"  
"Actually," James said awkwardly, "I do kinda have a crush... actually, I'm dating a guy, but he doesn't want me to say who he is..."  
"I thought you were 'bisexual', why couldn't you pick a girl?"  
"Why couldn't you pick a guy?" James bit back, glaring.  
"Because I'm not a fucking queer, am I? I don't fancy men!"  
"Don't call me queer," James fumed, "and that's my point! Yes, I fancy girls, but I also fancy guys! I'm bisexual, I don't pick a side or a gender, I pick a person, and it happens to be a guy, and I can't help how I fancy him any more than you can help getting a boner whenever McGonagall shouts at you!"  
"Well it's not my problem you're all fucking queer, is it? I mean- Sirius is a queer, you've turned queer, and Remus- well it wouldn't shock me, he already has HIV! I bet he got it fucking another queer!"  
"Okay, THAT'S ENOUGH!" James yelled, but Remus was already swinging his fist- Sirius reached across to grab Remus and pull him back, but Remus's fist contacted with Peter's nose, and a loud crack was heard. Peter looked stunned, staring wide-eyed at Remus, before turning into a rat and scurrying away, Remus shook his hand and looked down at his fist, the knuckles bruised, Peter's blood on his hand.  
"Here, let me," Sirius said gently, taking his hand and wiping the blood away with a tissue, before examining the bruises. "I don't think you've broken anything," he said, and kissed Remus's knuckles.  
'what cute friends they are', James thought to himself.  
"Since when was Peter so... homophobic," Sirius frowned, and Remus scoffed.  
"Since always," He said bitterly, "he just kept his mouth shut until we didn't want to talk about tits with him because he's a fucking pussy who has nothing better to do than masturbate to pictures of McGonagall from an old year book."  
"Oh damn," James exclaimed, wide-eyed. He blinked, staring at Remus, who was examining his knuckles.  
"Well um- that was... unexpected..." Sirius said awkwardly, shifting uncomfortably.  
"You don't say(!) Remus mate, I know he was being an arsehole but damn..."  
"No, James, being an arsehole is putting blue dye in the shower head, he has outright homophobic and he made it personal," Remus scowled.  
"I don't really mind the word queer," Sirius shrugged, "I mean- there are worse words with worse meanings, I mean- I call myself queer."  
"Well I fucking hate the word," Remus spat, "Identify as that word if you want, but I refuse to define my identity with a slur used against me, against others! Call yourself the q word, just don't call it the queer community, it's LGBT. And maybe there's other identities, that's why you add a plus. But calling us all the q word because you don't think it's a slur? Well it's a slur to me! I don't want people saying I'm part of the queer community any more than others don't want to be called the faggot community. Feel free to reclaim it if you can, but just... don't go around using the word like it isn't used against people. And yes, I am aware of why the f slur is ten times worse, but- hey, being stabbed with a sword is worse than being stabbed with a kitchen knife but both hurt and both can kill you."  
"I respect that, Remus," Sirius said softly, "and now I know I'll respect it. But- I still have the right to call myself queer and identify as queer. I don't expect you to call me queer because I know now that it would make you uncomfortable."  
"And I respect that you're okay to call yourself that word, and of course you can call yourself that word, it's your right to, it empowers you, and that's a beautiful thing. I just don't want to identify as a word used as a slur against me and my friends personally, but if you want to identify as that, then nobody should say you can't," Remus said, to clarify that despite his strong reasons to hate the word, he still respected Sirius's choice to use it.  
"Well I didn't care either way about the word until Peter said it like that, I can kinda see why people don't like it... I guess everybody should acknowledge that it was a slur, and that some people will be offended, you shouldn't label others as queer, but if it's yourself, then it's valid I guess. I don't know, I don't mind being called queer if it's in a respectful way, but I don't exactly call myself queer either. I guess now I can see why it's best to ask if somebody is okay with the word first now I've had it used against me," James said, and Sirius and Remus nodded.  
"I can't believe Peter would say all of that, though," Sirius said, awkwardly fiddling with his leather bracelet, "I mean... he's meant to be our friend and then he goes and says all of that..."  
"You watch," Remus fumed, "give it five minutes where nobody wants a tag-along, and he'll come scurrying back saying 'I didn't mean it in a bad way I just said it wrong'- no shut up, you homophobic cheese roll, nobody cares about you anymore."  
"Damn Remus," James exclaimed, eyebrows raised.  
"What? Well it's true! If a cult offered him enough cheese and an invite to The Three Broomsticks, he'd join! You wait, he'll sulk, he'll attach himself onto another group, then when they get sick of him being annoying, he'll come crawling back to the dorm saying he's sorry, and he didn't mean it in a homophobic way, just an 'I don't like gay people because I'm a jerk' way. Peter can suck a thestral turd!"  
"Um- Remus- what the- okay, Remus, I understand why you're upset, but that's such a weird and horrible thing to say, I have that image stuck in my head now, that is a horrible thing to say in front of me!" James protested, and Remus's anger melted a little. "Pete is still a jerk though, for this, but he's also our mate. This is the first time he's said anything, all he knows about gay people is what he's seen and heard, all of which is misinformation, so perhaps when he comes back we should try to sit him down and explain to him, let him ask the stupid questions, explain why things are offensive..."  
"Explain how to suck a dick..."  
"Padfoot no," Remus protested, not sure if he was joking or serious. Sirius grinned and winked, and Remus cleared his throat awkwardly.  
"Well," James said, "he might ask how gay sex works. You just kinda... have to explain to him that you just put on a condom and put it in the ass."  
"Prongs no," Remus smiled, shaking his head, "that'll hurt more. You have to stretch it first, and it's best to use lubricant too."  
"So you have to do stretches first? Like- lunges?" Remus facepalmed, about to awkwardly explain anal fingering- however, Sirius was already making obscene gestures and quickly drawing a diagram. Remus was horrified, but at least it had lifted his mood.  
"Wait what," James blinked, watching, "you have to put your fingers- you have to- what? And- if you don't, what happens?"  
"You'll bruise and you might bleed. And it'll be very painful. Like- very, very painful," Sirius said, and James looked to him sympathetically.  
"Oh, Siri... do you wanna come with me and talk about things again?"  
"No, um- I'd rather educate you because if you're seeing my brother, I really need you to know how sex works."  
"Okay," Remus said, interrupting, "we can give James 'the talk' another time, we should prepare for all the things Peter is gonna say or ask when he gets back. Namely, how do I not punch him?"  
"You let me punch him," Sirius replied, and James sighed.  
"No guys," James said, the voice of reason for once, "let's not resort to violence again, please. It won't solve anything, it'll just make him more set in his ways. So no violence. Let's not punch Peter again. Okay? We educate him. And if he chooses to be ignorant, then that's really his problem. But sometimes people are just uneducated." Remus and Sirius nodded- shouting at Peter wasn't going to work, neither was punching him. But calmly explaining? It would give him no reason to be angry at them, no reason to say how irrational they were. Of course, if Peter was going to continue, then Remus or Sirius would probably punch him again, but James hoped that Peter would be open- minded rather than willing to throw away years of friendship.  
Peter conveniently returned to the dorm- which was probably a good time, because Remus hadn't gotten any angrier and Sirius was a few seconds away from giving more sex advise to James despite only having had consensual anal sex once in his life.  
"Peter, come back in here. We all need to talk like adults, you don't get to call us a slur and act like nothing happened like a little bitch, now be a man, own your mistake, and talk to us."  
Peter sat back where he was, not looking at any of them. Remus tensed with anger, so James took a deep breath and began to speak. "Okay, Peter, calling us queer was offensive and unnecessary, we will explain to you why it was offensive, if you're open-minded enough to listen to your own friends. First, why did you say that to us?"  
"I guess I got frustrated. I wanted to talk about girls, not- not cock! Maybe I went a little far, but... it's not offensive, Sirius says it all the time."  
Remus scoffed, about to say something, so James shook his head at Remus. "Okay, Peter, one by one, we'll explain. Sirius?"  
"Okay... look... yes, I call myself queer. Because although it is a slur, I have chosen to reclaim it. I feel like the queer label fits who I am. I use the word to empower myself, but you used it in a derogatory way and that's not okay. Even though I have reclaimed it, I respect that it's still a slur, it's still offensive to some people, and the context in which you said it to me was offensive."  
"Okay, Remus? Explain to Peter?"  
"Yeah. You had no right bringing my medical condition into it. I contracted that when I was four and attacked by a werewolf. Queer is very offensive to me. It's a homophobic slur used against the LGBT community. And it's not right that you throw it around like that just because we didn't want to talk about women. We weren't stopping you from talking about women. James was just saying he had a boyfriend, that's all. He didn't mention cock sucking or eating ass, whereas you were talking about women in a very sexual way, you had no right to get pissy about it. The word queer is used to oppress gay people, it's so very offensive, it's implying that we're freaks of nature, and we aren't! We're different, yes, but that's it. You should never use slurs against people. Never, no matter what, no matter how much you hate them. What you said was offensive. I know I've never said it, but I am gay. And I am in a relationship, and no, I'm not going to say who, and no, it is not James."  
"Okay. I'll explain. Peter. I'm bisexual. And that means I have the capability to experience sexual attraction to both men and women. Now... it isn't about taking sides, it isn't about choosing to be gay or straight, or being greedy. It just means I'm attracted to both sexes. Or, I can be. Now, you might fancy literally everything with tits, but... well I've only ever fancied two people. My first crush was Lily, but that faded, and I ended up with a crush on a guy and he likes me too so we're dating. I'm not choosing to be gay by doing that, or picking a side, it doesn't mean I'm not bisexual anymore. Like- whether Remus is a wolf or a person, he's still a werewolf, at all times. Right now, he's human. But he's still a werewolf. And on the full moon, he'll be a wolf. But he'll still be a werewolf. That's kind of like being bi. If I was with a woman, I'd still be bi, if I'm with a guy, I'm still bi. And it doesn't make me greedy or a cheat, it doesn't mean I'm hypersexual- well I am, but not because I'm bi, I'm just a horny teenager. So what you said to me was offensive. And as the boys have said, queer is a slur, and we'd like it if you didn't say that. We're willing to answer any questions you have as long as you're respectful, to help you understand."  
"Okay," Peter said, "how do I know you ain't all been perving on me?"  
"Because," Sirius said quickly, "we're gay, not predators. And as a penis owner, penises are not attractive genitals. Also, we aren't attracted to every guy we see. The same as you're not attracted to every girl you see. And just because you think it's okay to stare at a girl's boobs for an hour in class- doesn't mean other people would act like that. Even if one of us did like you, we'd never make you uncomfortable or spy on you. And for the record, none of us do. I mean- I know I've stared at the guy I like for a little longer than I should, but I've always pulled myself together, reminded myself that it might make him uncomfortable, and I look away."  
"I bet you wank over him though."  
"Yeah, I did, but how many girls have you wanked over? If it's in private, it's okay, most people do it, but if you're being creepy and staring at people and following them and sexually harassing them, that's not okay. You can be attracted to somebody and not be distracted by them all the time, not be creepy to them, not make unwanted sexual advances. It turns out the guy I like likes me too and we're fucking now, so I feel a lot less guilty about him coming into my thoughts and dreams when I was horny in bed. You haven't even noticed who it is, none of you, because guess what? I'm not a predator, I'm just gay. I was able to act completely normal around him and treat him like a human being and not an object. You have no problem with it in a heterosexual context, you do it too."  
"You're fucking a guy?"  
"Yeah," Sirius said, "I take it up the arse, so what? You can't tell me that if one of the girls offered you sex and she had a strap-on that you wouldn't take it up the arse too, because once it hits your prostate, that's it, you're in heaven. And we all know you'd drop your trousers for any girl, Peter. And for a straight guy, I don't know, you seem pretty interested in what I do with my genitals."  
"Sirius," James warned, "play nice. Please. Okay, Peter, any more questions?"  
Peter thought for a moment, then asked, "who's the girl? In your relationships?"  
"None of us," Remus said, "that's the point. But I suppose you're asking who's the sub. I'm the dominant one in my relationship."  
"I'm such a bottom it's unreal," Sirius said, and Remus managed to not grin like mad.  
"Honestly, I think I'd be a switch, but my boyfriend is a savage and it's so hot? But like- he's so short? I'm very confused. I think we're both equal. Because like- he's so pretty and tiny and when we've cuddled, he's the little spoon? But like- if he told me to do ten thousand push ups, I'd do it? I'm confused and gay, help." James sighed, contemplating his whole existence.  
"Right," Peter said, "but like- it's obviously different to a man and a woman, it's just... how does it work? As a relationship?"  
"Like a friendship but with sex and more emotions," Sirius shrugged, "it's just... dudes being dudes and sucking dick I guess. Also I don't ever have to worry about buying sanitary towels or periods or pregnancy because he's a guy so it's chill, when it comes to sex we just use a protection charm."  
"Okay," Peter said, "but I'm still struggling to understand why you'd choose this."  
"Because," Remus began, "we didn't. You didn't choose to like women, you just... fancy them. I didn't choose to be gay, Sirius didn't, James didn't choose to be bi. We're just attracted to the same gender. And you can't change who you're attracted to or fall in love with. But I'd rather risk the homophobia and the looks and the potential beatings and the hatred and follow my heart than never be in love. You don't get to choose who you're attracted to or how you feel that attraction. Being gay sucks right now. Who I am is illegal, me having sex is illegal even though if you were to have sex, it wouldn't be. It's illegal for me to ever get married to the man I love. I wouldn't choose that. The only thing I've chosen is to pursue the relationship. But I never chose to be gay. I mean- you remember when Sirius used to be covered in bruises and when he ran away because they knew he was gay. Who the hell would choose that? Who would choose something that's so dangerous to be? It's not fun to be gay right now. Maybe in the future, gay people will be able to live their lives and be treated normally. But it's still the 70s, it's not even the 80s yet, there's so much homophobia. After all the fighting, we just want to be able to embrace who we are, be proud of ourselves, yet instead we're ashamed, we're closeted, and when we are out, we have to deal with hate and physical violence and conversion camps with unethical and barbaric practise. If sexuality was a choice, I'd be straight. That way falling in love wouldn't be dangerous."  
"I agree," Sirius said quietly, "because um- some- horrible things happened to me because of my sexual orientation, and I can't help but think that if I wasn't gay, those things wouldn't have happened. But at the same time... I think I'm finally comfortable with who I am. With being queer. I'm in love with this man and he's- he's my world and- I'm so proud of who I love. He's... he's amazing. And if I was straight, then I wouldn't have him in my life the way I do now. I'd just be his friend. And his love goes deeper than any friendship ever could and fuck I'm so whipped for him. He treats my body with such care and respect and I just... I love him, and I'm proud to love him. Neither of us are quite ready to say who we're with, because we just want privacy to let us explore the relationship before telling you guys, but... if I'm going to hell for loving him and not all my other sins, then I'll continue to love him when I go to hell. I've already been through hell, quite frankly." Remus's heart was pounding, bursting with love, but he managed to contain himself- he could tell Sirius how loved and special he felt afterwards.  
"For me," James said, "I could have pretended to be straight and waited until I was attracted to a woman and settled. But why should I? Because either way, I'd still be attracted to men too, and why should I pretend to be straight when I'm not, I'm bisexual. And at the moment, I really fancy this guy, my boyfriend, and I shouldn't have to hide that. And I'm not picking a side. I'm choosing a person to share my life with. I mean we've barely been on any dates, but... I just get a feeling. Shoot me, I'm a hopeless romantic. Even if we live together forever, monogamous, the way we'd like it, I'd still be bisexual. Because I have the potential to be attracted to women as well. But our point is... we haven't chosen to be attracted to guys, just like you haven't chosen to be attracted to girls. All three of us are in relationships- and by the way, you two, I need the gossip about your boyfriends, why the fuck did I not know about this- anyway, my point is, yes, we are of the homosexual persuasion, but- Peter, you've known us for years. We've never been perverts. You didn't even notice we were gay. We're still the same people, the only thing that's changed is you knowing we're gay- and Remus- I really did not have you down as gay."  
"Well," Remus said, "gay doesn't have a look. I mean yeah, sometimes you look at somebody and you're like- there is no way that person is straight, but... well not all gay guys are- well, Sirius Black, wearing make-up and crop tops. Some of us are werewolves with anger issues and more sarcasm than fucks to give."  
"Look guys," Peter said awkwardly, "I respect that. It's a lot to take in and I might slip up at times, but I'll try my hardest not to be weird about it. But... you guys are my best friends and... now you've taken the time to explain to me, I... I genuinely didn't realise a lot of that. And I'm sorry for calling you all queer the way I did. I won't say it again, and if I do, it'll be with Sirius in a good way because Sirius is cool with identifying as queer."  
"Well," James finally said, an energetic half smile on his face, "this is supposed to be one of our slumber parties. I think we've already covered our crushes, so what next? Oh, and men can get breast cancer to, so check your breasts, men! And those balls, they aren't meant to have lumps, and if you can get your boyfriends- or in Peter's case a girl- to check it, then even better because- well, being touched. Oh, boy, I can't wait until my boyfriend touches me down there, I'm so thirsty..."  
"This is a weird slumber party, what the everlasting hell, Prongs? Can we not be weird? For five minutes? I do not want to know about any abnormal body parts, thank you very much."  
"I don't know," James shrugged, "but I still haven't grown facial hair. You'd think after all that puberty I'd have more hair than this. I use hair growth cream on my face."  
"I may have purposely made you think it's hair growth cream when it's actually hair removal cream," Sirius grinned, "and carried on the prank for years to see when you'd notice."  
"I mean- I should be mad, but I like having a smooth face and I really don't think facial hair would suit me. I mean- Sirius can pull off stubble- well he could probably pull off a beard- but I really don't think it would suit me. Sirius does your boyfriend like you with facial hair? Or does he prefer you without?"  
"Oh! Um... Moony, gee, um- did he tell you that, could you tell me if he likes my stubble?"  
"Quite frankly, he knows you're a hairy dog, he wouldn't like a proper beard but he'd still fuck you, but he likes the feel of the stubble when he kisses your jaw. He's glad you shave your chest and back though. But he really likes the line of pubes up to your navel," Remus smirked, trying and failing not to blush. Sirius grinned.  
"Remus, you know too much about his boyfriend's hair preferences," James said, a little creeped out and offended that Remus knew Sirius's boyfriend.  
"Wait a minute," Peter gasped, "Holy- you-"  
"Haha, come on, Peter, we're gonna talk," Sirius insisted, dragging him out of the dorm. "Do not say a word!"  
"You and Remus-"  
"Just- shush! Yes, okay, but just shush!" Sirius took a harsh whisper tone, a warning glare on his face.  
"Aren't you gonna tell James?"  
"No, not yet! You're not even supposed to know! Nobody is! And you know James, he'll practically stalk us! He will want every detail, and if we do anything together, he'll assume we're shagging, and even if we are- look, we just want some time to get used to the relationship, okay? There's some things I need to talk to Remus about before anybody finds out, so just... shush! Okay?" Peter nodded, and Sirius started to make his way back in. Peter followed, and soon they were all back into the blanket fort.  
"So," James said, picking up a large bag of gummy bears, "I wanna know who you both are shagging."  
"I'm not saying a word," Remus smirked, and Sirius resisted the urge to grin.  
"Me neither," Sirius grinned, "but he's eight and a half."  
"He's what now," James spluttered, and Sirius grinned proudly. Remus was blushing profusely, and Peter and James both looked awkward.  
"Yep, he's fucking hung, and he's so good in bed, holy fuck, I can't wait for the next time, oh fuck he's such a good shag..."  
"Sirius, you have a boner," James pointed out, and Sirius went bright red.  
"I um-" Sirius cleared his throat awkwardly, and Remus rolled his eyes.  
"Come on, Padfoot," Remus said quickly, taking his wrist and helping him up, "I'll take you to your boyfriend and I'll keep a look-out for teachers," he said, dragging him off.  
"Who the fuck is he shagging," James mused, not sure what he'd just witnessed.  
"Merlin, you're so oblivious- he's fucking Remus!"  
"No, it can't be."  
"It's Remus, he's going with him right now for a fuck, you idiot! Sirius said so!"  
"Oh my," James gasped, "oh damn!"  
"Yeah," Peter said, "they're fucking each other."  
"We have to mess with them. I have to mess with them. I'm going to play dumb, like- really, annoyingly dumb. Until they get sick of it and tell me. And I'll be annoying about it, so when they try to leave for a shag, I'll go with them and play completely dumb and watch them get increasingly frustrated that I haven't took the hints and left," James grinned, and Peter nodded, still not sure what to think about their relationship.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"Fuck- Remus, just kiss me," Sirius groaned as Remus shoved him into a broom cupboard, locking the door with magic.  
"Oh, I've got better than that for you," Remus smirked, and dropped to his knees. Sirius moaned loudly.  
"Fuck, Remus, are you actually gonna- oh fuck, please do," Sirius said, undoing his trousers hastily and pulling them down past his hips- he had no underwear today.  
"I still have no idea how to do this, but fuck- look at it, Pads, all hard for me..." Remus leaned forwards and licked the tip; Sirius instantly moaned, gripping onto one of the shelves for stability. Remus enveloped the tip in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, and Sirius was reduced to moans, legs trembling. Remus knew it wouldn't take long for him to cum. He moved away from the tip and licked a stripe up the vein on the underside, before taking the tip back in his mouth. Remus hollowed his cheeks, and Sirius moaned loudly, cock twitching. Remus took more of the shaft into his mouth, Sirius panting in a rather raw, almost canine manner. Remus breathed through his nose, slowly taking more and more into his mouth, and Sirius's hips bucked forwards as he let out a loud moan. Remus hummed to avoid gagging, using his hands to hold Sirius still, before hollowing his cheeks and sucking up to the tip, pre-cum painting his tongue, and Sirius gasped and moaned. Remus did it again, taking him deep into his throat and humming, which seemed to make the cock pulsate and twitch, but when Remus would hollow his cheeks, more sweet and salty pre-cum would fall into his mouth, and even if it wasn't the best taste, Remus's favourite taste would always be that of his lover. Sirius moaned loudly, and Remus continued the same movements, moving his head faster as he gained confidence, licking the tip and dipping his tongue into the slit, lapping up and swallowing the pre-cum. Sirius was trembling, knees weak, moaning unashamedly. It didn't take long, only a few more sucks, until Sirius was right on the edge.  
"Fuck- Remus- Remus I'm gonna-" Sirius's eyes fluttered shut, mouth wide open and brows knitted together as his orgasm hit, and he moaned uncontrollably- Remus let go of his hips and let him thrust into his mouth as streams of sweet and salty ejaculate shot into his mouth. Remus swallowing as much of it as he could, the swallowing action seeming to give Sirius even more pleasure. Sirius's knees were giving way, his whole body trembling with the sheer pleasure, and slowly Sirius stopped thrusting, spent, and Remus swallowed again. He gave one last suck to clean any more cum off, then stood slowly.  
Remus looked at Sirius, pupils wide with arousal, his amber eyes gold rings around them, and Sirius gasped. "Remus- fuck, that was- that was... fuck, Remus..."  
"Was that good," Remus rasped, leaning close to capture Sirius's bottom lip between his teeth, groaning. Remus pulled away with a gasp, his breath hitching, rolling his hips against Sirius, whining. Sirius admired his red, swollen lips, parted, desperate pants and whines.  
"You need to get off," Sirius asked, and Remus moaned softly. "I'll take that as a yes, want me to wank you off?" Remus moaned louder at the idea and staggered back to the shelf behind him, pulling his trousers down and sitting there, spreading his legs eagerly. Sirius stared at it, standing proudly in a nest of tawny pubes, and Sirius took a deep breath, kissing Remus's neck with open-mouthed, hot kisses, Sirius's hand finally finding Remus's cock, and Remus's breath hitched and he moaned as a dribble of pre-cum fell onto Sirius's hand. Sirius moved his hand, keeping a firm grip as he pumped his hand up and down, Remus moaning softly, panting and gasping, whimpering in pleasure. Sirius grinned, moving his hand faster, and Remus dissolved into obscene moans, opening his legs wider and thrusting into Sirius's hand, gripping the shelf for stability, head rolling back as his moans and thrusts became more frantic, so Sirius tightened his grip slightly, moving his hand even faster, and Remus gasped loudly, moaning as loud as he could before his orgasm hit- he cried out in pleasure and ecstasy, ribbons of cum falling on Sirius's hand and shirt, some to the floor. Sirius continued to move his hand until Remus was spent, slowing down until he stopped, Remus panting, a grin of pleasure and relief on his face.  
"You liked that, huh, Moony?"  
"Fuck Sirius, that was amazing," Remus gasped, "I can tell you spent a lot of time in the shower and in bed alone."  
"I also know werewolves can hear through silencing charms," Sirius said with a grin, "I found that out when we found out you were a werewolf. So I know you've heard me getting myself off. Did it make you hot? Did you do the same when you heard me saying your name? I hoped you did," Sirius whispered, and Remus flushed bright red.  
"I'm sorry..."  
"Remus," Sirius sighed, "I find it hot. You knew I liked you, and don't you remember all the times we talked about wanking and I'd say I'd love it if my crush jerked off to me? I literally gave you permission, you weren't being creepy so stop thinking that. We know we both liked it."  
"Okay," Remus said, "I guess it's just... I guess it was okay for us, I mean... I fancied you and you fancied me, and when we discussed masturbation and stuff in one of our slumber parties years ago... we both heard each other's boundaries and views so we both knew the other would be okay with it..."  
"Exactly," Sirius said, "but right now, we should pull our trousers up, clean up, and go back to the slumber party, don't you agree?"  
"Yeah," Remus smiled, pulling his trousers back up, "But what you said earlier to Peter, about me... did you really mean it?"  
"Remus," Sirius said softly, pulling his trousers up and taking Remus's hand, "I meant all of it, every last word. I love you, Remus John Lupin. I love you so much. I love... you... so much... it- hurts, fuck, I'm crying! I just fucking love you, man, and I've finally got you in my arms, and I never wanna let you go, because... fuck, I'm alive because you exist."  
"Sirius," Remus sniffled, wiping away his own tears as well as Sirius's, "you romantic fuck. I fucking love you, so fucking much, you just- you make me- I don't feel like a monster with you. I feel like a human. I don't feel dirty or diseased or evil or like an animal. I feel human. You make me feel human. I'm broken and you're broken and together, we just... you understand what others don't about me, and... fuck, we just... we're not perfect, but we're perfect for us."  
"Remus, we need to stop crying in a broom closet with cum on us this is not a good luck," Sirius sniffled, and Remus cast a cleaning charm. Sirius hugged Remus desperately, breathing in his scent, tracing his fingers over the skin underneath Remus's shirt, resting his head over his heart to remind himself that Remus John Lupin was real and alive and his. Remus held him in his arms, listening to his heart, smelling the endorphins, smelling all the chemicals of love, the way they radiated so intensely, and Remus was intoxicated. His favourite scent was Sirius's, cigarettes, wet dog, a unique sweat smell, expensive shampoo, but most importantly, he smelled of love. His mate. His Padfoot. Remus never remembered his moons as much as he'd like to- he remembered a lot, but what he remembered the most was the way the wolf would know. Even if Sirius was human, the wolf would know- Sirius was embedded into his soul and the wolf knew it- Padfoot, home, my mate. Sirius Orion Black was his forever, because werewolves mate for life.


	8. Darkness Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning- self-harm, suicidal thoughts, small mention of an eating disorder, werewolf transformation

"Moony," Sirius said gently, shaking Remus lightly. Remus snored, so Sirius kissed his cheek gently, heading to the bathroom to relieve himself and shower, brushing his teeth and hair, although he hadn't brushed his hair in three days, so there were quite a few painful knots. He stood in front of the mirror, looking to his reflection. He loved looking at himself- he was attractive and he had no idea how Remus had been able to resist for so long- but he hated the way he was when he was alone. He hated the way his eyes would stare, expressionless, a reflection of another man looking desolate, pleading eyes screaming for help without the energy to open its mouth. He wondered how it had come to this. A few days before he'd marred his flesh, he had been happy, he recalled, hyper-focused on prank planning, up all night, dancing without music because he loved life, bouncy, and now... now getting out of bed was a chore. Brushing his teeth was a chore. Brushing his hair was a chore. Everything was a chore and he was exhausted.  
And exhausted people sleep.  
But he couldn't sleep, but he couldn't stay awake.  
He didn't notice he was crying until a choking sob wrenched his rib cage inwards, jolting him back into his body- when looking in the mirror he felt... there, but not there, but now everything felt too real, too physical, his body being violently wrenched with explosive sobs and he hated it. He had no reason to be sad any more. He was safe, he had friends, a boyfriend, but yet here he was, stood watching himself cry in the mirror, choking in emotions, shaking until he felt light-headed, sinking to the floor and pressing himself into the corner, hugging his knees, frightened of his own emotions because right now his thoughts were terrifying and intrusive, like how easy it would seem to violently smash his skull against the sink, how he could fill the bath with water and lay face down, tying his hair to the plug so he couldn't get his head up for air, locking himself in until he wasted away and fell asleep... he was scared, because he didn't want to die, he just wanted to sleep, he was exhausted and he needed to sleep... just sleep forever... dream...   
Sirius's attention turned to the blade he had used to make his first cuts, and he remembered how he felt after- maybe he didn't have to sleep forever, maybe he just needed an outlet. And letting blood flow seemed healthier than death. So he picked it up and rested his arm across his legs, going slightly deeper this time, just below the other scars, taking in the stings, focusing on the feeling, the pain, the slight burn of it, taking in how it felt because he wasn't thinking about what hurt if he was focusing on the physical pain, if he could control this pain. He didn't care if it wasn't healthy. He just cared that he was desperate enough that the only way he could think to deal with his pain was to inflict physical harm to himself. His hand was shaking the further down he got, so the depth would be uneven for each cut, lines no longer perfectly straight, skin already starting to inflame around them as blood pooled. It wasn't much blood, but it was blood, and it made him feel such a relief but such a shame and so empty but so... calm... he was finally able to let his breath even out, not wanting to look at his arm and face the reality of what he had started, what he was going to continue despite his mind screaming not to- but he was just too tired, and his thoughts were loud, too loud, and he couldn't fight. He felt like he was falling but felt like he was perfectly still, felt like he had no control over himself. He was screaming in silence, begging for help, unable to ask for it. He just wished that somebody could help him, that somebody could fix him, pick up the broken pieces from the floor and fix them together with love and care, and he could heal the cracks. He begged to a deity he didn't believe in, 'please help me,' but no help came. He lay there, knowing that if he asked for help, he would be told that he had to fix himself. But he knew he couldn't. If he could fix himself, he would have done. He wasn't asking for somebody to make him perfect, just for somebody to pick up the broken pieces and hold them together for long enough for him to heal the rest.   
When you have a cut, a deep cut, you can't fix it yourself. It gets stitched by a doctor, to help you to heal the rest naturally. The skin must be stitched back together for the wound to heal, or it gets poisoned, infected, continuing to bleed. He didn't need somebody to cure him. He needed somebody to stitch closed his mental wounds, so that they could heal, so that they would stop opening further, stop bleeding, stop being poisoned. He needed help. But he lived in a culture where boys don't cry, where emotions were for girls, not boys, and help meant telling somebody 'tough shit, deal with it'. He needed somebody to hold him together long enough for him to heal. But no. He knew he'd be told, 'I can't fix you', 'you're asking too much', 'have you tried being happy for once', and if he told people but didn't ask for help, he'd be told, 'it's for attention', 'it's not that bad', 'oh I relate, I was so depressed when McGonagall gave us that essay but then I texted Alicia and we had chicken and I'm okay, just go outside and drink some water, meditate, and you'll be okay', but if he didn't? If he didn't say he was struggling? 'oh my God, he's so lazy', 'why is he crying over a fucking quill,' 'what's with his hair,' 'doesn't he wash,' 'why can't he just smile'...   
So when he was around people, he'd seek attention, act out, cause trouble, because it was the only time where everybody around him was in his corner, cheering him on, the only time he felt appreciated.   
Sirius finally managed to move, softly padding back to the dorm, to his trunk, where he pulled out his foundation and covered his cuts- it wasn't perfect, but it hid the redness. He pulled on a long-sleeved fishnet top, pulling on a Motorhead T-shirt, then putting on some underwear- they looked like James's, but he sniffed them and they smelled fresh enough and there were no stains- then some skinny black jeans and his favourite Dr Marten boots- they were scuffed, but he felt that added to his aesthetic. He couldn't be arsed to do his make-up today, especially because he knew his fragile state couldn't handle the looks, so he set about waking Remus up. He opened the bed curtains and Remus was wanking, legs wide open, and Sirius smirked.   
"Enjoying yourself, are we," Sirius grinned, picking up James's polaroid, "give us a smile!" Remus grinned and didn't protest or knock the camera out of his hand, instead spreading his legs even more, so Sirius took a few pictures, his favourite the one where Remus was climaxing, before putting the camera back down.   
"Gonna use them, are we, you dirty dog," Remus grinned, and Sirius nodded, watching as Remus cleaned himself up and smirked. "Do I get any of you," Remus asked, and Sirius grinned dirtily.  
"When I next have a fumble, I'll warn you so you can get some pictures," Sirius grinned, and Remus leaned forwards for a kiss. Sirius closed the gap between them to kiss him, and Remus moaned against his lips.  "Bloody hell, Remus, you just had a wank, and I thought I was a horny bastard," Sirius grinned, and Remus chuckled.   
"I'm so horny right now, and you're just such a good kisser," Remus smiled, pulling Sirius closer, "and I just wanna kiss you..."  
"Maybe put some clothes on first, yeah? And maybe a cold shower too, you horny werewolf." Remus sighed, sitting back on his feet.  
"I thought you'd be up for it... are you okay? It's just... well I know you, and this is unusual for you..."  
"I'm fine," Sirius said, smiling, and Remus sighed, putting his clothes on and tapping the bed for Sirius to sit.   
"Sirius, I'm here for you, I... if you're struggling..."  
"I'm not," Sirius lied, and Remus took his hand.   
"I can smell the blood. I know you're not okay, and... Sirius, please. Let me help you."  
"I cut myself shaving my chest that's all you can smell," Sirius lied, "there's no reason to be worried, I'm okay, Remus. I'm not horny because I had a wank in the bathroom, probably before you woke up, okay? But I'm okay."  
Remus sighed-it was clear that Sirius wasn't ready to talk about it, and Remus could smell that the blood was fresh- he knew better than anybody that he'd be too fragile to talk right now, and he needed to believe that he could pass as okay. "Alright," Remus said gently, well aware of the bulging lines hidden under foundation- fishnet proved an alarmingly good distraction considering it was so open. "I won't push the matter. I just want you to know that... I'm here for you, and I want to be there for you. I'm your boyfriend, and... I just want you to be okay, and if you can't be okay, I just want to be the one who holds you to my chest, the one who strokes your hair and kisses your temple whilst you cry, I want to be the one who listens and I want to be the one who you turn to, I want to help you to fix yourself like you helped me. So I want you to know that... I won't think you're any less of a man if you cry in front of me, or wear make-up, or- panties with lace. You're my man and you deserve to be okay."  
"T-thanks," Sirius said quietly, not sure how he felt in that moment, until Remus captured Sirius's lips with his own, gentle and loving, and Sirius realised, he could be vulnerable around Remus.  
"We have lessons," Remus said gently, "so we should go and get breakfast. Just something small. You should have jam on toast, you look like you've been crying and I know it takes a lot of energy, the jam will give you a boost to get you through the morning, then I've got fruit in a zip lock bag for you to snack on in class, it keeps your energy up and it's healthy and tasty. I know you'd rather have sweets, but you'll get more long-term energy from the fruit and you're less likely to have a sugar crash."  
"Thank you, Remus," Sirius said, "that means a lot to me." And Sirius meant it. Remus wasn't forcing him to talk, he was just caring for him, and telling him that it was okay. Remus stood up and held out his hand, and Sirius took it carefully.  
"If you're up for it later... I think we could sneak back to the dorm instead of going to Charms..."  
"What if I only want to cuddle, can we still bunk off?"  
"That's twice as good a reason to bunk off than sex is, I will always make time to spoon the living daylights out of you. And the offer is always going to be here for you to talk to me. Look, I... I know there's something really serious going on with you. And I'm not going to force you to tell me, I don't expect you too. But please, whatever it is... don't think that it would be a barrier between us, you can tell me and the only thing it will affect is the fact that you'll be able to come to me about it, and the only way I will change the way I act around you for whatever it is... I will only change the way I act around you if you ask me to."  
"Thank you, Remus," Sirius said gently, "and I do want to tell you, it's just... you're right, it's really serious and... I have to be in the right place mentally to be able to say it and right now I'm having some dark thoughts and if I say it, I'll be making myself go through it again, and I'm scared of what place that will put me in mentally."  
"I understand," Remus said gently, "you never have to tell me unless it involves me, okay? It's your trauma and your secret. But I just want you to know that when you are in a place where you feel able to tell me, I will be here. Just... not tonight, for obvious reasons... yeah, agonising werewolf transformations followed by a night of weirdness because the wolf thinks it's okay to lick people's mouths out, especially yours, and the wolf trying to eat Peter, again, like- the wolf really hates Peter, I don't get why, but to be fair, the wolf used to be jealous of Prongs so... also I hate the fact the wolf tears up my clothes, we love it when I'm human again and everybody sees my penis(!)"  
"Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I'll turn up naked," Sirius joked, and Remus blushed.  
"Please don't, Sirius, the wolf gets really horny and I think they just might notice my werewolf boner. Oh, and Peter told me about your conversation last night- no, Sirius, I am aware that wolves and dogs are both canines, but no, you cannot fuck me whilst transformed, that would just be weird and what the hell is wrong with you?"  
"I just wanted to freak Peter out with that mental image, I mean- no offence, Moony, but I have a biting kink, not a vore kink, there is no way I would brave your fangs, plus, there are so many things wrong with that. First- you'd be fucking an animal. Second- I'd be fucking an animal. Third- even if you remember everything, you aren't in full control of the wolf so you can't fully consent so even if I was a werewolf too, unless we could afford wolfsbane it would be..."  
"That is a lot more reassuring," Remus smiled, "Now, breakfast is in order. I mean- I feel like I'll vomit because it's so close to the moon but I need to eat..."  
"We'll look after you, Moony, we always do. And I know that werewolves can go into heat too, and if that happens... you know, before the moon... I don't think I'll be able to help you, and I'm sorry."  
"Don't apologise," Remus said, "and we don't even know if it's real or a scare story. But please, never apologising for saying no to sex."  
"I'm sorry," Sirius said, "I just- I can't explain... I'm just sorry that... it's the moon and you have to deal with me being an emotional girl and..."  
"Sirius, being emotional... it doesn't make you less of a man. Yes, you have feminine traits, but they don't diminish your masculinity. And being emotional? It's not feminine, or masculine, and it isn't manly to hide them. That's just toxic bullshit," Remus soothed, slowly starting to walk, and Sirius followed, falling into step- although, as they walked down the corridors, this left him lagging behind- Remus was tall, with long, slender legs, so Sirius found himself struggling to keep up. Sirius jogged a little, falling out of step in order to keep up. Remus smiled softly, slowing down so that they could walk together again.   
"You're so short," Remus smiled, and Sirius snickered.  
"It comes in useful," he said, "but not so useful when we kiss because I have to stand on my toes a little."  
"Well," Remus said, "it makes you the perfect size for cuddling, and I'm going to need plenty of cuddles after the moon."  
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Regulus slowly found the world coming back into focus- in this case, the bathroom ceiling, the blackness slowly fading from his vision, being replaced with the stone ceiling and blaring white lights. He coughed and propped himself up on his hand, still trying to figure out why he was unconscious on the bathroom floor. His legs still felt weak, so he shuffled to the wall, resting his back against it. He took deep breaths, still feeing dizzy and nauseous, head pounding, shaking. He ran a shaking hand through his hair, looking around. It was certainly Hogwarts, and he was clothed so he hadn't been showering, he gathered. He wasn't a stranger to passing out, so he allowed himself some time to recover slightly, finally remembering that he'd gone two days with pretty much only water, then binged and purged, and passed out on his way out of the bathroom. He felt so tired...  
It was too early to sleep, however, and besides, he'd agreed to meet James anyway. He cast a spell to check the time, realising he was already a few minutes late, so he forced himself up off the floor and hurried as quick as he could to find the room again, but he found he couldn't speak when he tried to apologise for being late, but he didn't want to run out, so panic set deeper and deeper-  
"Hey, Reggie," James said gently, "why don't you come and sit down and take a few minutes, you don't seem okay." Regulus nodded, making his way to a comfortable looking sofa draped in blankets. Regulus sat down, feeling a little cold, pulling several blankets around himself. "You look really pale," James fussed, "are you okay? Can I get you some water?"  
Regulus nodded, and James conjured a glass of water, handing it to him, and Regulus took it, some of the water spilling over the edges as his hand trembled. James placed his hand on the bottom of the glass to steady it, carefully helping Regulus to take a few sips. Regulus slowly calmed down, trembling less and less as he managed to reassure himself that it was okay, although he still felt light-headed. "I'm sorry I was late," he finally managed, and James smiled warmly.  
"It's alright, it was only like- ten minutes, for me, late isn't even half an hour, late is turning up for transfiguration the next day when I have Charms class. Are you okay though? You still look really pale and I'm worried about you."  
"I'm okay," Regulus insisted, "I um- it's probably just the lighting."  
"If you say so," James said gently, "look, I won't be able to stay for too long, I have to leave before moonrise, I can't explain why, but I do. But Regulus, I want you to know that... even though we haven't known each other for long- well, we've only talked a few times- but I want you to know that... if ever you were struggling with something... I'd be a safe space, I wouldn't tell anybody unless I had to, and I wouldn't judge until I'd heard everything you had to say."  
"James, I'm okay," Regulus persisted, and James decided to let the matter drop. "But... same goes for you. I doubt I'd be much help, but I would certainly try, and... I'm in no position to judge anybody anyway."  
"That makes sense," James said, "oh, um... I thought you should know because I can't remember if I told you, but I'm an illegal deer."  
"James, you see, it's not normal for a person to say something as random as that without further elaboration."  
"I may have became an illegal stag. As in, an animagus."  
"Wh- you 'may have'? How can you- 'may' have? And- what in the world made you think becoming an unregistered animagus in school was a good idea? And- wait... were you that really annoying red stag that approached me when I was sitting by the lake and made distressed stag noises because you got your antler stuck in the tree?"  
"That does sound like me, yes, and I may have also been that stag that was watching you study on the grass for a whole twenty minutes."  
"Potter," Regulus sighed, "you're a jerk, you know that? A jerk and a dork."  
"But you like me," James grinned, and Regulus rolled his eyes, a small smile playing on his lips.  
"We'll see about that," he said, trying not to blush too much- and failing spectacularly.  
"You like me," James smirked, shuffling closer to him.  
"I mean- I don't not like you... I guess," Regulus smiled, trying his hardest and failing to act casual.  
"You so fancy me," James bragged, "you like me, because I'm sexy and you love my cuddles."  
"Well- I wouldn't say I 'love' your cuddles, just... I find them warm. I've never 'loved' anything, plus I've never had cuddles or affection," Regulus explained in a normal tone- because to him, it was normal. It was normal not to have loved. Because he had always been unloved.  
"Well," James said gently, "I think you need more hugs. Come here, let me hold you, because guess what? I love these cuddles. I love the promise our relationship has, the potential, that maybe some day, we'll fall in love. Just wait, Reggie. I'm gonna love you some day soon, and when I realise I do, I'm gonna tell you every day and every day I'll show how much I love you, even if you're not ready to love me back. I promise I'm gonna love you."  
Regulus accepted the cuddle, nestling into James's arms- and he felt comfortable. He always felt comfortable. Because James held him carefully, respectfully, and James was warm and toned and just comfortable to snuggle up to. Regulus felt content around James, and despite the shivers that often went up his spine, the adrenaline, the attraction that came from being so close to him, making him bright red- and sometimes half hard- that wasn't the reason he liked the cuddles. He liked the cuddles because he knew that if he didn't want to cuddle, James wouldn't make him. When James held him, his arm was always a light pressure on his shoulder, his thumb rubbing gentle circles, and Regulus didn't feel trapped. James wouldn't hold him by the waist, which Regulus found the most respectful- Regulus was well aware that if he were to drop to his knees in front of James, James would not hesitate to accept, he knew that James thought about him in a sexual way, but he also knew that James was a good guy. He respected Regulus's boundaries, accepted the fact that he wasn't ready yet, and that meant everything to Regulus. Because James respected his body and his boundaries.   
"I don't know what love feels like," Regulus admitted, "not even in a friend way or a family way. My family wouldn't let me talk to Sirius much and when we did talk, it was at a table. And I don't have friends- Severus tried to be my friend, but... I just can't stand him. He makes me want to rip my flesh off or his flesh off. And he keeps trying to tell me how horrible Sirius is, so I get the feeling he only wants to be my friend to get to my brother. And I'm not stupid, I know the score. I know both sides aren't exactly roses and sunshine but- that's besides the point, my point is, I've never been loved and I've never loved. So... it might take me a while to recognise love, or I might think I love you before I do, so be patient with me?"  
"Of course," James said softly, "And if I say it before you, that's okay, I won't expect you to say it back, but tell me if ever I get too intense. I mean- I'm probably gonna say it randomly way too early anyway, but... just know, be aware that there's not pressure on you to say or do anything. I've never been in proper love before either, like- romantic love. You're my first boyfriend, my first partner. And if you were worried about me being bi, I-"  
"I'm not," Regulus interrupted, "because I trust you to be faithful. You have to potential to be attracted to more people, yes, but that doesn't mean you're going to cheat. You already said you wouldn't, and if you did, you know I'd never forgive you. Your sexuality is nothing to do with your morals. Of course I'm scared of getting hurt, but that's because I'm used to being alone and used to being hurt. But so far you've treated me with complete respect and I like that. You haven't given me any reason not to trust you. You've respected my body, you've respected my boundaries, and you're... you seem nice? I don't know how to explain it, but I'm starting to trust you."  
"I'm honoured that you're comfortable around me, Reggie," James said, running his fingers through Regulus's hair, "and I'll work to earn your trust. And I promise you, I will not abuse that trust. I'll be here for you. Even if I have to go before moonrise."  
"Make sure Remus has a bowl of water. I know he isn't a dog, but he should have clean water, not the water from the lake. I've seen things happen to that lake I can't unsee..."  
"How do you know about that," James asked, tension in his voice- Remus was his brother. Maybe not by blood, but they were brothers.   
"It begins with an 's' and ends in 'friendzone'," Regulus replied, and James took a deep breath.  
"I hate that kid," James seethed, jaw clenched, and Regulus squeezed James's hand.  
"He only told me, because he thought I would try to get him excluded by going to the ministry."  
"Let's not talk about him," James said, and Regulus shuffled closer.  
"Can we kiss now? I just- I've wanted to kiss you for the past five minutes and I really like kissing." James grinned, shuffling even closer and leaning close, slowly kissing Regulus, chastely and sweetly, and Regulus melted into the kiss, bringing a hand up to tangle his fingers in James's hair. "So good," he muttered, resting his other hand in the middle of James's back. James held the back of Regulus's neck, his other hand resting on Regulus's chest. Regulus's lips parted and James experimentally slipped his tongue in. Regulus gasped, dissolving into the kiss- James didn't have a clue what he was doing, and it wasn't the best, or how nice Regulus had imagined such a kiss would be, but Merlin did it feel good, his whole body shivering with warmth. They kissed for what seemed like hours, although in reality it was only about a minute, before James slowly pulled back, both a little out of breath.  
"Did you like that," James asked, grinning, and Regulus turned even more red.  
"It was- it was good," He smiled, "I- I really liked that..."  
"Merlin you're so kissable, Reggie," James mumbled, leaning in for another kiss, but Regulus shuffled back a tiny bit. "Are you okay," James asked gently, and Regulus lay on the sofa, resting his head on James's lap.   
"I'm just really tired, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling very well," he admitted, and James stroked his hair, willing himself not to get a boner whilst Regulus had his head in his lap.   
"Oh Reggie..." James soothed, running his fingers through Regulus's hair, "is there anything I can do?"  
"Stay? Please? Y-you can still make it by moonrise, I just need you to stay with me, I- I don't like to sleep in my dorm, since I started dating you I feel even less safe in there, I- I sneak into the hospital wing and I sleep in the store cupboard there because I feel safer, there's nobody allowed in... just until I fall asleep? Please?" Regulus's eyes pricked with tears, so James wrapped some of the blankets around Regulus, ignoring the fact that he couldn't feel his leg.  
"Of course," James said, then he had an idea. "You could sleep in here."  
"No," Regulus said, "people could still come in here, that's why we only come here when nobody should be on this floor."  
"You could sleep with me," James said quickly, and Regulus panicked, freezing. "I mean, in my bed. Not- not sex sleep with me. Because you feel safe with me, right? Or- or I could sleep in here too!"  
"I know what you meant," Regulus said, "I'm not ready. I- I have bad dreams if I sleep longer than an hour, I don't want you to see me like that!"  
"Oh Reggie... I'm sorry... just close your eyes, I'll wake you in an hour," James said- he wanted to stay all night, he wanted Regulus to sleep soundly, but he knew that if Regulus was to wake up in the morning, after a nightmare, that he would be mad at James, so James just continued to stroke Regulus's hair.  
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"Fuck off!" Remus snapped, hands gripping the edge of the piano before he shakily stumbled to the middle of the room, his legs collapsing from the pain.  
"Okay, sorry Remus, I will not make werewolf jokes whilst you are in excruciating agony," Sirius grinned, holding his hands up in surrender. Remus grunted and groaned, hands slamming to the floor as his spine painfully wrenched itself outwards and cracked. Sirius reached a hand out to rest it on Remus's shoulder, but the wolf was already kicking in- Moony snapped, almost biting Sirius's finger. Remus gasped and moaned in pain as his jaw started to crack and elongate, his teeth painfully pushing away and growing into sharp canine fangs- by this point, Remus's eyes pricked with tears, feeling hot and dizzy with the state of shock that came with such pain. A sharp jolt of pain shot through his lower back and he cried out in agony, his vision fading into black for a moment.  
Sirius looked away painfully, turning into his animagus form and backing away, turning around so he didn't have to see his lover suffer like that.   
Remus looked at his hands, flesh already turning grey, pulsing pain, white hot agony shooting down his arms as they cracked and reshaped- he couldn't watch, clamping his eyes shut as frightened sobs took over for a moment, his feet painfully stretching- he could feel the tendons and ligaments snapping and reconnecting, painfully contorting. His skin felt like thousands of needles were pushing through as thick, wiry but short fur pushed through his flesh.   
He felt his ribcage explode outwards- the ribs coming free from the sternum as his lungs suddenly forced them away, and Remus collapsed forwards, feeling the bones grow and reconnect. He felt his stomach wrench and twist out of shape and he vomited, heaving onto the floor, blood and bile. He could barely move with the sheer agony- he used to black out the moment his spine cracked, but as he had gotten older, learned that he wasn't dying, gotten used to the pain, he had to endure the full agony of the moon. His bones continued to crack and grow for what seemed like hours, his voice- his cries turned to howls, his throat raw and pained but he couldn't stop screaming- howling, even once the wolf-like creature had fully emerged.   
The wolf slowly calmed, pulse racing, senses more alert and shaper than ever, whimpering as Moony adjusted to where he was. Padfoot slowly padded over, whining, lowering his head before rolling onto his back, bearing his belly as a sign of trust and submission, exposing his throat. Moony sniffed and snarled, but in the back of the wolf's mind- mate. The familiar scent of his mate burst through, filling his mind with a sense of home, comfort and familiarity. Moony sniffed Padfoot, so Padfoot bared his teeth, and Moony licked them, long canine tongue licking Padfoot's mouth. The werewolf may have looked radically different to wild wolves, yet the behaviours were mostly the same. Padfoot rolled back over onto all fours and lowered his shoulders, raising his rear end and wagging his tail- half of his body with his tail- playful eyes looking into the wolf's gentle eyes. Moony locked eyes and Padfoot jumped and barked, running, and Moony instantly gave chase, clattering into the piano, clawing into the chair, agile reflexes narrowly avoiding bouncing into the walls as he skidded across the floorboards.   
Padfoot ran beneath prongs, but Moony was running full pelt. Distressed stag noises filled the room and Prongs was frozen into place- Moony leapt up, claws digging into his hide as he used the stag as a springboard, launching himself at the dog and landing with a paw on the dog's chest. Moony gently nipped at the thick fur on Padfoot's neck, also biting his ear- playfully, of course, even if a little rough as his teeth grazed the dog's flesh, so Padfoot swiped at his snout.  
Moony's attention was diverted by the sudden scuttling of a rodent- he immediately scrambled away from the dog and growled, a deep, throaty growl, eyes scanning the room before locking onto his target. Wormtail bolted, and Moony gave chase, jaws constantly snapping at the rat until finally he caught the rat- but before he could sink his teeth in, he was captured between Prong's antlers, the shock making him drop Wormtail. Wormtail landed heavily before scurrying off behind the wardrobe in terror. Prongs set the werewolf back down, but Moony was angry- he had gotten in between him and his prey. Moony snapped, violently trying to bite, but his jaws only clamped on solid antlers. Moony whined as pain shot through his jaw, letting go of the stag, snarling viciously before he processed the scent- pack. Moony whined, backing away, and the stag walked to the door, using his antlers to move the large bolt.  Freedom. Moony ran to the exit, ready for the real fun to begin now that the wolf was settling.

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope you guys likes the first chapter, I'm still getting used to the world of fanfiction!


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